BLOSSOM GRAM

My Darling, I’ve thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about how I should start the year, but I guess it already started and I wasted time trying to figure out the train rather than the destination. I have spent time thinking about this and that, trying to understand humans and learning to love them and ignore some of them since I cannot keep up with their flaws and defensive lines, “That’s who I am” is what they say and clearly, I am not built to involve myself with men who can’t try to better themselves in any way. This would be my first blog of the year. Was I even supposed to say that? But yes, it is the first blog and I am super excited about the year. About all I will experience, about all I will write, and all I will see. It will be a beautiful year. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Him: Our kids will have your eyes! Her: (giggles) They will definitely have your eyes. Him: Then maybe they will have your cute nose...

Life has a tendency to teach you things. The problem is we … I tend not to learn. I tell myself that I am a quick learner but clearly, I am not. I have failed this lesson so many times and if I could turn back time and slap myself for all the dumb things I have done then I would. I know I am not supposed to beat myself up as much but then again, how long will it take me to learn and finally understand that I need to move. Having to remain cool and happy while you are going crazy chini ya maji is a hassle. You have to remain calm underneath the storm whilst laughing when deep down you want to scream. You want to let out a wail and maybe you will just hear yourself and finally stop being foolish. I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to take the steps, but again I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid of opening those doors and walking through them. The repercussions will be painful but they will come with my peace of mind after I have gone through all the levels of crazy. Hope...

  Dearly Beloved, You know that sometimes I think about us now and then But I never wanna fall again, I wouldn't want to forget you But with you, it's all or nothing When she left me, I was convinced that she would return but the odd thing about women is they move on whilst still in the relationship. So, by the time she broke off the relationship she had already moved on while I was stuck and convinced that I could save the relationship but I was met by the reality of fanning a dying fire. There was nothing humanly possible that I would have done to spark things up again. The gavel was struck and I was sentenced to this heart-wrenching pain that I could not save myself from. No amount of appeal was getting through and the verdict was the same... you lost... the end. You're deep in the water, yeah, you're drownin' us You question my love like it's not enough But I hate that you know, you know, you know You got me tied up You regret it now, but it's your mista...

  Dearly Beloved, I will never be Somebody else’s I will always be Either entirely yours Or completely my own There is nothing else That I will ever find Beyond You and I. ~S.L. Gray~   I Love You! There I said it! It’s finally off my chest. I can now breathe. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can smile again after being anguished by that which I could not admit. I have lied to myself that I don’t but here I am finally falling in truth and it feels good and sad at the same time since I still cannot say it to your face. I have desired to tell you this for a while now and I didn’t know how but I guess this does it. I Love You but You don’t; so, only I remains. It sucks being on this boat again, but I will find my shore once more, hopefully, a little bit faster than the first time. I say you don’t since I am afraid of you saying you do. What would I do with your love? How would I handle it? How would I fill you with love whe...

Everything that you love, You will eventually lose, But in the end, Love will return in a different form.                         ~Franz Kafka~ My Darling, Some scholars defined you as, “the state of being away from a place or person”, but I wonder how you can feel too far away when I have you by my side. I am lonely yet not alone and I have you with me but your presence has no meaning. Thomas Haynes Bayly lied when he said that absence makes the heart grow fonder since your absence tears my heart to pieces and I have not the strength to pick them up. I have no desire to rebuild again; I want to wallow in this pain and die in the memory of us. Maybe Thomas Haynes never loved like I do; because where is the good in absence; the state of being away from someone you love. They are there but you cannot reach them and even if you did it wouldn’t be the same. Anothe...

  Adulthood, I was in class three and yes not grade three, shoot my poor is showing (sobs in sarcastic). Anyways, I was in class three, and for some reason, I fell in a puddle of mud on a Tuesday and that was the day we had the PHE class during the afternoon. Now being the clean child that I am I had to rush home and change from my P.E. Kit to my school uniform.  That was the beginning of my end that day. I got to school and was caned for being late, caned for not having the right 'School Attire' for the day. And to top it all off I was caned in the afternoon for the same and I had to remain in school and sleep. I was angry and I wished I was an adult. Looking back maybe I should have been more glad about the sleep. But isn't it human to wish for that which we cannot have anymore... Yes, I wished to become an adult. Their life seemed easier. They weren't wearing uniforms, and they weren't yelled at for failing in dictation. They just seemed to have a better life tha...

Dearly Beloved,  It has been a while since I've been here. I do hope you've been well and taking care of yourself because I know I haven't. My month has been chaotic but I have found this chance to write to you. Regardless, I did meet her.  She has me here seated in silence and in darkness trying to find the words that can best express how I feel. How I can bring her forth to the world in a way that does justice to who she is. How I can let the world know that I have found the gift it served me with. You came to see me here tonight I haven't seen you in a while And as I cry, I say Are you waiting? Cause when I wake up, you won't be alone again She is different. Or maybe that's how I see her. With her hair and her smile and every other thing that God saw fit to adorn her in so that I could see her for who she is... My joy or maybe His joy but nonetheless I am the one that sees her now, so yes My Joy.  I came to see you here tonight I never found you a...

In the future If by some miracle You find yourself in the position to fall in love again  Fall in love with me...  Paulo Coelho once said that; So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you...  So, I hope you would understand it when I am stuck cause I lost you. Everything was aligned, the first time you walked in, in your grey pants and that smile that made me fall for you. And how my heaven was my moments with you... When we held hands on our way home, when we shared earphones together and I still crave for such moments again. A cold evening and it's just us at the back of the vehicle, holding hands, listening to pink sweats and the world seeming to slow down for us to savour every moment of it. But all that's gone. So I walk listening to pink sweats but he is the reminder of everything I lost and I started disliking his music. But he is not at fault but maybe the fault is to be found within myself. Maybe if I chose to take the ste...

A line reads that the boring stuff is the stuff that we remember the most... Our days were mainly composed of watching shows together, eating and cuddling. It was the same boring routine but it meant a lot to me. Maybe it meant a lot to her too but I can't tell.  Sundays were us alone cooking, watching a show, arguing then making up and it was the same and I liked it. I hated the fights but they are natural if Love is involved.  I loved the food, some days salty, some days without salt but it was prepared with a lot of love and I can promise you the food was always good Boring was us, I mean, I wanted that boring lifestyle till death doth us part. Boring was beautiful. Boring mattered to me. Then it ended and boring remained in my head and heart.  There are days I am close to losing my mind wanting to experience all that again. Some guy said that you can never experience the same person twice even if it's the same person or something close to that and had me t...

Looks like my true love is in love with someone else... I don't really know how to navigate that. I mean it's 4AM and I should be asleep but here I am missing her as I listen to Music under the coat of rain and for some reason it's dusty since I keep rubbing my eyes and I have a runny nose. Yeah it must be these dusty sheets, I'll have to get them cleaned.  No one prepares you for this part of life. Or maybe it's because not a lot of people get to experience it. But why can't we, the ones living in it, get to have a manual sent our way. Or maybe a snippet of the future so that I can know there's life tomorrow or is it today? It's been blurry, I don't know how to live anymore... Feels like I was cheated. Promised forever then forever ended so why did that English Literate Lie. Forever was not supposed to be that short. Or maybe that was my forever so I wonder why I deserve such short forevers. I'd like to live in the memory of it, memo...

If I died right now I don't think I'd be too happy with myself. I mean I've not loved and lived, or rather I've not lived and loved. I haven't seen how she ends up, whom she ends up with? Does she get her happy ending? Does she smile and laugh as she did when I was or is she happier?  If I died right now I'd never know. I'd hate myself for leaving too early. Maybe things would have worked out or maybe I would have found love with her. Fallen for how she laughs, how she smiles, how she puffs up her cheeks when she is mad, how her smile seems to brighten up my day. If I died right now I wouldn't know how that show ended. When they fell in love, when they fought and worked out their issues, when they got pregnant, when he proposed, when he did all he had sworn to do for her. I'd never know how she loved him, how she took care of him when he broke down, how she held his hand and reassured him all was well. If I died right now I would never k...