END OF ME!

 

Dearly Beloved,

I will never be

Somebody else’s

I will always be

Either entirely yours

Or completely my own

There is nothing else

That I will ever find

Beyond You and I.

~S.L. Gray~

 

I Love You!

There I said it!

It’s finally off my chest.

I can now breathe.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can smile again after being anguished by that which I could not admit. I have lied to myself that I don’t but here I am finally falling in truth and it feels good and sad at the same time since I still cannot say it to your face. I have desired to tell you this for a while now and I didn’t know how but I guess this does it.

I Love You but You don’t; so, only I remains. It sucks being on this boat again, but I will find my shore once more, hopefully, a little bit faster than the first time. I say you don’t since I am afraid of you saying you do. What would I do with your love? How would I handle it? How would I fill you with love when I too leak from the lack of it? Would I even love you right?

And I knew from the beginning

That I found you to lose you

And loved you to miss you

Because we met by coincidence!

Is it the way you smile or rather the way your eyes spark up when you talk about what you love? I still can’t draw the line as to why I love you this much and this way that I would rather love you in the dark than tell you and lose you in the light. I am afraid of what I would lose if I spoke my heart out and made you question my intention. I am afraid of you saying No! It would break me in my vulnerability; it would make me lose the very essence of life and yes that is scary to say but still that is how much you mean to me. I would find purpose in loving you and cherishing our moments together but lose all of it in the absence of you.

I know these will all be stories someday

And our pictures

Will become old photographs.

Sounds like a tacky thing to say but that’s how I have chosen to live. To give me up to loving you and lose myself in your presence but find me in your arms as you hold me and my dreams and aspirations dwindle as I would have met my bliss and I would be festooned in the splendor of your touch and the pleasure of your mirth.

“Is it better to speak or to die?”

So, I guess death’s beautiful kiss awaits me as I will choose death than live in a world where I am not accepted. I find it odd that men get to share stories of their first love and how they settled for someone else and they become a reminder of their loss so they resent their ‘choice’. I find this act inhuman as everyone deserves love, but if they aren’t your first choice, leave them. If they aren’t who you want to wake up next to for the next few decades because time feels short when you are together, then leave…

I don’t know what to do with it

With all the love I have for her

I don’t know where to put it now

A line by Jose Olivarez reads; “I killed a plant once because I gave it too much water. Lord, I worry that love is violence” and it had me worried that maybe loving her this way was noxious. It would hurt me to find out that loving her would cause her pain so rather than risk all these errors I’d rather stay in the dark and smile at the few specks of light that shine my way when she is around.

I would like to be in a life where too much isn’t a word we use but clearly loving that which isn’t mine too much will only push it further away from me. Isn’t it a quandary, that I lost because I loved! I failed because I love! I am alone because I love! Why are these little things so frustrating!

So, I think I should stay away and figure out what to fill with all this love that I have. I would rather lose love and keep the ship from sinking than risk drowning because of my desire. I know that I will regret it because you are the end of me and yet the beginning of my…

 

I hope July is kind to you as it has been to me. It’s rather cold and these blankets don’t seem to be enough. Maybe her touch would be enough, (That made me laugh). Continue being kind to yourselves and to the people around you. Check up on your peers, and ensure they have eaten and are warm. Anyways, Peace, Love, and let’s start a plea to make coffee cheaper, Jesus!

 

Love,

 

Thairu.