LET ME LOVE YOU NOW!

Babycakes,

I think I finally met her. Well, she was always in my life but I never really thought of her in that light then I was walking in darkness and she became the light I ran to. I don’t know when I fell for her but I think I always held her to some higher regard compared to other ladies. She, my woman, (I get to say that my woman, my lady) is a ball of energy and I feel loved, accepted, and wanted by her. Everything comes easy with her, well, loving her is easy. Being loved by her feels easy.

I am smiling as I write this since I can see her smile while looking at me with her hazel eyes… God her hazel eyes. I wonder if I ever felt seen before I met her. Was I actually seen before her? Maybe yes but I don’t think I care much about the ‘other’ eyes since being seen by these ones has been what I yearn for… Has been what I live for. I am genuinely glad whoever came before me fumbled because he didn’t know what a good thing he had lost.

You're the one I love

Every second that I look at you (you're perfect to me)

Every little moment that I spend with you

You're so amazing (you're my weakness)

Don't you ever go, I will always want you

I'd go to war, I would always love you right, ooh

Every day and night call me and I'll hold you

Despite the past, I will always treat you right (you're perfect to me)

Loving her has me questioning if I am actually doing it right? Do I hold her hands well when we take walks? Does my arm feel right when she holds it? Should I start learning fight moves so that I can protect her? Does she feel seen by me as I do by her? Am I right for her? Does she love me with the same depth and magnitude that I have for her? Does she…Does she… Does she also have fears like I do? Because I really wouldn’t want to lose her.

But amidst all these fears and insecurities, I feel a sense of comfort when I am with her. Feels like she is also working on ensuring that she gets to love me right. The white man did say that I shouldn’t count my eggs before they hatch but I think he hadn’t seen the golden eggs in my basket. They are all blessings with cute little fingers…  

She feels like a smile from heaven. That, God saw my struggles and sent this babe to make my journey beautiful. To see beauty in how she walks on this earth that I have desperately struggled in. To feel the softness of this world as I caress her with these hands that have been made tough by this world. It makes my heart flutter when she snorts as she laughs. Does your girl snort when she laughs? Cause mine does and it’s the cutest thing ever. (Ps. I think mine is better than yours… I am really lucky to have this one)

Let me love you now

Let me hold you down

I've been sitting wondering

If I can make you mine

I can love you right

Baby, you're my everything

Let me love you now

Let me hold you down

I've been sitting wondering

If I can make you mine

I can love you right

Baby, you're my everything

I carry my fears with me, but something about her has convinced me that all will be well. It has been a minute since I did this love thing with anyone and I really want to love her perfectly if that is a thing, but at the same time, I want to make mistakes and learn and grow in love with her. I want to know what works and what doesn’t. I want to have a beautiful friendship and love with her that I will tell my kids and grandkids cringe stories of how much I love their mother. Aaaaaash… She is just perfection, and I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

If you believe in us, take me where your heart is

Take me where your mind is floating (I wanna be where you are), oh

Don't you ever go, I will always want you

I'd go to war, I will always treat you right

Every day and night

Call me and I'll hold you

Despite the past, I will always treat you right (you're perfect to me)

There’s that movie, Past Lives, and there’s a line, “It’s an In-Yun if two strangers even walk by each other in the street and their clothes accidentally brush. Because it means there must have been something between them in their past lives. If two people get married, they say it’s because there have been 8,000 layers of In-Yun over 8,000 lifetimes.” And I wonder if it has taken me 8,000 lifetimes just to finally get what I deserve. Well, I am glad that I get to experience love again, I think I really deserve it. I think I deserve her…

 

My love, I promise to try loving you in all the ways you need to be loved, care for you in all the ways that matter, make you feel heard and seen, go the extra mile, and do what needs to be done (I really don’t know what needs to be done, but I will do it) … I promise to make it work. Try and protect your heart from what I can see and what you will communicate to hate… I’ll try and make it work… Like a white canvas, I will paint you with my love and present you as my greatest art piece… I have forever to get the right strokes for this beauty…

My heart is so full of you

I can barely call it my own

 

Love,

 

M&N