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Dearly Beloved,

It's been six years since I said I'd watch this piece, La La Land. I've been afraid, though, afraid that it might become my life. A line reads that whoever is afraid of suffering is already suffering from what they fear, and clearly, I have become it. 

Seb says that he is letting life hit him till it gets tired then he will hit back and that line made me laugh as life has been hitting me lately. A line reads that don't kick a man whose on the ground but life didn't get the memo since I've been receiving my daily share of kicks everyday. You know, life not being as I had envisioned it as a child. Be married at 25 and have cars and houses and horses and kids... and now I can barely follow through a movie as I need rest. 

Mia and Seb are what I had and what I craved for so I understood their story. How both of them sought after their dreams and worked towards them but then life chose different trajectories for them and life seemed good but they were sad. That's how I've been lately, being thrown in different paths and trying to keep up, to adapt so that I can survive but that's not the life I want!!! 

They eventually choose to follow their dreams again but this time there is a huge price to pay and I always wonder if I would really be able to pay mine. You know to seek after what I want and leave everyone and everything else behind. To go hither into the wilderness and do those things said in those cliché motivational speeches that tend to make lots of sense at 2am when you're trying to not survive anymore and just LIVE. 

So, yes, my fear of watching this show has been justified. At the end, they reminisced about life together, and that broke my heart. I don't want to be 40 and regret my choices or have a major what-if crisis. I'd like to leave What-If's to Marvel and marvel at the choices I make. I want to be proud of what I decide to do and become, but I don't know how to do that. 

I have the idea in my head and I have enacted it so many times but I do not have the guts to move on from my life yet. Would I lose who I have been all this while? Would I be proud of who I become? Would I be someone I'd look up to? All these fears tend to hold me back and I lie to myself that I'll be okay and I'll figure life out as I am but the year is coming to an end and my age cannot leave it to chance anymore, hence I need to make these hard decisions.

But I want to enjoy life as I am. Be merry, be carefree, be stubborn. I feel as though I have not lived and now as my early 20s are coming to a fast end I'd have liked to do more but it seems I'll have to be more of a grown-up now. Maybe the journey will be beautiful, no I'll try to make it beautiful. Maybe you could do the same. You know, smile more, be a child, laugh, cry, get hugs, bite someone, you know life as it should and not as it's forced to be. 

I'll try ... I'll really try!


Love,


Thairu

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