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LIVE AND LOVE

If I died right now I don't think I'd be too happy with myself. I mean I've not loved and lived, or rather I've not lived and loved. I haven't seen how she ends up, whom she ends up with? Does she get her happy ending? Does she smile and laugh as she did when I was or is she happier? 

If I died right now I'd never know. I'd hate myself for leaving too early. Maybe things would have worked out or maybe I would have found love with her. Fallen for how she laughs, how she smiles, how she puffs up her cheeks when she is mad, how her smile seems to brighten up my day.

If I died right now I wouldn't know how that show ended. When they fell in love, when they fought and worked out their issues, when they got pregnant, when he proposed, when he did all he had sworn to do for her. I'd never know how she loved him, how she took care of him when he broke down, how she held his hand and reassured him all was well.

If I died right now I would never know all the new music that gets released tomorrow. I would not not know tomorrow. I wouldn't know if the sun shone brighter, if the moon was more beautiful, if the stars brightened up her night and she found purpose again. If she forgave herself for all her shortcomings. If she let go of all her pain and let God. 

If I died right now I wouldn't see God. I wouldn't experience Him in other people. I wouldn't look at his work and wonder why He created the menace called mosquitos cause for some unknown reason they keep on coming for my arms. 

If I died right now I'd hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, so I'll try living. Pain still exists but so does joy and happiness and peace. She is happy and content and she is full so I am glad. She is warm so I am glad. She is healthy so I am glad. She is loved so I am glad. 

If I choose life then I'll continue to experience all this. I'll get to know how she is and I'll be content. I'll watch at a distance as she gets all the good things that she deserves. I'll cry when her heart is broken because life knows just when to serve us bitter lemons and celebrate when she adds sugar and now she has lemonade... (I hope that's how lemonade is made).

Thus, I breathe and pray for more life. Pray for more grace to walk in love. Maybe also find love and live or live and love... 

Peace.

Thairu. 
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