Skip to main content

LIVE AND LOVE

If I died right now I don't think I'd be too happy with myself. I mean I've not loved and lived, or rather I've not lived and loved. I haven't seen how she ends up, whom she ends up with? Does she get her happy ending? Does she smile and laugh as she did when I was or is she happier? 

If I died right now I'd never know. I'd hate myself for leaving too early. Maybe things would have worked out or maybe I would have found love with her. Fallen for how she laughs, how she smiles, how she puffs up her cheeks when she is mad, how her smile seems to brighten up my day.

If I died right now I wouldn't know how that show ended. When they fell in love, when they fought and worked out their issues, when they got pregnant, when he proposed, when he did all he had sworn to do for her. I'd never know how she loved him, how she took care of him when he broke down, how she held his hand and reassured him all was well.

If I died right now I would never know all the new music that gets released tomorrow. I would not not know tomorrow. I wouldn't know if the sun shone brighter, if the moon was more beautiful, if the stars brightened up her night and she found purpose again. If she forgave herself for all her shortcomings. If she let go of all her pain and let God. 

If I died right now I wouldn't see God. I wouldn't experience Him in other people. I wouldn't look at his work and wonder why He created the menace called mosquitos cause for some unknown reason they keep on coming for my arms. 

If I died right now I'd hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, so I'll try living. Pain still exists but so does joy and happiness and peace. She is happy and content and she is full so I am glad. She is warm so I am glad. She is healthy so I am glad. She is loved so I am glad. 

If I choose life then I'll continue to experience all this. I'll get to know how she is and I'll be content. I'll watch at a distance as she gets all the good things that she deserves. I'll cry when her heart is broken because life knows just when to serve us bitter lemons and celebrate when she adds sugar and now she has lemonade... (I hope that's how lemonade is made).

Thus, I breathe and pray for more life. Pray for more grace to walk in love. Maybe also find love and live or live and love... 

Peace.

Thairu. 
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SEB'S

Dearly Beloved, It's been six years since I said I'd watch this piece, La La Land. I've been afraid, though, afraid that it might become my life. A line reads that whoever is afraid of suffering is already suffering from what they fear, and clearly, I have become it.  Seb says that he is letting life hit him till it gets tired then he will hit back and that line made me laugh as life has been hitting me lately. A line reads that don't kick a man whose on the ground but life didn't get the memo since I've been receiving my daily share of kicks everyday. You know, life not being as I had envisioned it as a child. Be married at 25 and have cars and houses and horses and kids... and now I can barely follow through a movie as I need rest.  Mia and Seb are what I had and what I craved for so I understood their story. How both of them sought after their dreams and worked towards them but then life chose different trajectories for them and life seemed good but they were...
1 comment
Read more

L'amour De Ma Vie!

Dearest Reader, Yesternight I lay beside a woman I desired. She was the embodiment of all I wanted but wasn't what I needed. It took me too long to realize that, though. I may have been so fixated on the idea of being with her that I lost myself in my own whims of what I thought I wanted.  Want and need always seem blurry to me. I always want things that make my heart race, and I chase after them, then realize that I just needed some peace of mind and slow music. But does that mean that I shouldn't chase after what I want? What if that want causes me more damage than I can handle and I finally break? Break because I have spent my years holding on to the hope that I will always be okay, as I walked on a tight leash and a single misstep would cause my death. I have all these fears of finding a good woman. Fears that have no basis since I do not know what a good woman is. Is a good woman someone who resembles my mother? Is a good woman someone whom I love that she loves me? Nah, I...
2 comments
Read more

LOVERS DON'T LET GO!

My Darling, There’s something peculiar about her, how I placed her on a pedestal she never asked for. She didn’t think she was all that, but I saw her as everything. She left, but somehow, she still lingers. A voice in the quiet. A memory that won't be quiet. Don’t you even think of giving up. Don’t you even. Don’t you even say you’ve had enough. You’re not leaving. The thing about breakups is that they never announce themselves. You wake up on what feels like a beautiful day, and then bam! your world flips. Suddenly, the one you love doesn’t love you anymore. Just like that. I still don’t understand it. How do you stop loving someone? Can you even stop? Or did you never really love them at all? Most of us never get closure. We just learn to carry the silence like it’s part of us. Don’t you know that lovers don’t let go? No, no, not like that. Take your time, but come back. To me, love has always been something that loops. It returns, even if it slows do...
2 comments
Read more