ABSENCE!

Everything that you love,

You will eventually lose,

But in the end,

Love will return in a different form.

                        ~Franz Kafka~

My Darling,

Some scholars defined you as, “the state of being away from a place or person”, but I wonder how you can feel too far away when I have you by my side. I am lonely yet not alone and I have you with me but your presence has no meaning. Thomas Haynes Bayly lied when he said that absence makes the heart grow fonder since your absence tears my heart to pieces and I have not the strength to pick them up. I have no desire to rebuild again; I want to wallow in this pain and die in the memory of us.

Maybe Thomas Haynes never loved like I do; because where is the good in absence; the state of being away from someone you love. They are there but you cannot reach them and even if you did it wouldn’t be the same. Another did say that we can never find the same person twice, not even in the same person, and clearly, that adds to the pile of dust that is being dumped on my already trashed heart.

But the thing is, even if I could go back,

I wouldn’t belong there anymore.

~Ccz~

I hate how we do not have manuals when we are born; I would really like to know what to do in this chapter of my life. This never-ending urge to have her by my side, this desire to be loved and to love and to hold and to be held and to… and to… and to breathe and know I am chosen and know she will always be by my side and me by hers and know that I will choose her all the days of my life but I am left to gamble with life, gamble with choices, gamble with hearts, gamble with my partner… This makes life seem like a game of roulette and I don’t know how to play but the croupier just asked for my draw and I have to play…

You leave this bed just like a woman

You leave your body here too

When winter comes around again someday it's without you

You leave behind a man who's crying

Until it's his time too

I'll stay behind and sing the songs of better times and think of you

 

Absence comes with the wish of turning back time to see if you would have done things differently. It has you wishing for a beautiful future and promises that seem to be forgotten and then remembered when our hearts are crushed. Absence comes with a bottle of regret and hate for all we couldn’t do and the glass of pain of misery by its side to help you swallow your sorrows in small pints till you give in and surrender to loss.

Now I think I understand you my darling

And all the things you tried to say

Once you'll have to let your love leave without you

And not because they don't want to stay

 

At times I wonder who leaves first. Maybe I was the one who was absent and never saw her; then she found solace in another or herself and when I came back she was already gone. Maybe I am to blame for my loss. Maybe I am the one who brought this wound to my love but the truth is I never left so why should I be the one to be left all alone seeking closure and trying to be okay.

But what if my absence made her find herself. What if she realized who she is and what she carries when she left. But I wonder why my loss should benefit another; why can’t she be her new self by my side? I am human, I am selfish with what I love and whoever says we should share what we love clearly does not love enough, and I know life would be beautiful with her by my side but I wonder if life would be beautiful if I was by her side?

The sun will rise again tomorrow

Just like it doesn't understand

That you have left and all that's left for us to do is sing for you

I may accept this loss but I should try and accommodate this new-found love called absence and keep her in till she decides to leave; well, they all leave, so maybe she will too…

Now I think I understand you my darling

And all the things you tried to say

Once you'll have to let your love leave without you

And not because they don't want to stay

This heart business is tough but maybe I’ll hack it and create a manual for my successors. Maybe create a space for absence, a space for regret, a room for tears of what could have been if we were angels since being human is clearly tough and maybe the utopia of loving as we want to would be a beautiful end for most of us … well for me.

But till then I will kiss absence goodnight and drown myself in music…

Of course, I’ll hurt you,

Of course, you’ll hurt me,

Of course, we will hurt each other,

But this is the very condition of existence,

To become spring means accepting the risk of winter,

To become present means accepting the risk of absence!

  

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The first half of the year has gone by so fast; This is my 51^st piece and I am genuinely very proud of myself. Procrastination and Inconsistency still leech on to me but I will be free of their curse at some point. I don’t know what the second half of the year has in store but I hope it's more pieces, maybe hit 70 by the end of the year, but I will wait and see.

Till then stay committed to your craft and chose love even when it doesn’t choose you; the world will smile your way at some point and you’ll see the beauty of life. Be blessed!

Yours,

 

 

Thairu.