UN DIA!

 

Dearly Beloved,

You know that sometimes

I think about us now and then

But I never wanna fall again,

I wouldn't want to forget you

But with you, it's all or nothing

When she left me, I was convinced that she would return but the odd thing about women is they move on whilst still in the relationship. So, by the time she broke off the relationship she had already moved on while I was stuck and convinced that I could save the relationship but I was met by the reality of fanning a dying fire. There was nothing humanly possible that I would have done to spark things up again. The gavel was struck and I was sentenced to this heart-wrenching pain that I could not save myself from. No amount of appeal was getting through and the verdict was the same... you lost... the end.

You're deep in the water, yeah, you're drownin' us

You question my love like it's not enough

But I hate that you know, you know, you know

You got me tied up

You regret it now, but it's your mistake

What makes you think that my mind will change?

And you hate that you know, you know, you know

You know you messed up

Convinced that I could not lose and the fact that I was a bad loser created the fallacy that changing to become that which she wanted would bring her back but I failed constantly. I picked myself up and went to war hell-bent on winning a lost wrangle till I picked up my bridles and decided to just rest and die a slow death without her. Then came the delusions;

One day you'll love me again

One day you'll love me for sure

One day you'll wake up feelin' how I've been feelin'

Baby, you'll knock at my door

One day you'll love me again

Hug me again 'til the end

One day you'll beg me to try

One day you'll realize I'm more than your lover

I'm more than your lover, I'm your friend

I thought that if she found love again then she would realize that he couldn’t love her like I did. That I was the better option. That a day would come and she could text that she wants me back and we can start a new or maybe from where we paused. I thought her meeting a new person would result in my win when she realized that she loved me more than the new character plagued by the bad luck of being a test subject to this new experiment of me getting my haven back.

But, life being life… she found love and moved on. She loved and I faded. I lost yet again. This time the knife was contorted in my chest to ensure my death and silent woes were heard from my dark pit. My incarnation was my undoing. She was happy and I hated it. I was supposed to be the ONE but conceivably life decided that I was the ONE to lose. She was giggly and she grew prettier and yet I was forced to put on masks so that my disrepute would not be seen and called out. I had to be strong yet my pillars were granulating, the dust from within resurfaced, and I was crying myself to sleep.

Time being a healer came to my aid and slowly by surely, I was able to move forward. Technically not forward… but at least there was some movement after a few years of tumult and dismay. Going through these losses made me come to terms with who I am. The parts of me that had been hidden or rather shadowed by love surfaced and I realized how ugly jealousy can be. I hated the hypocritical words spoken by men and in shows about how they want their loved ones to find happiness without them. I mean tell me what I have to do to make my beloved happy rather than see her in the arms of another.

I cannot justify those who end themselves when they are left by their beloved or those who choose to take the lives of those who left them but I can slightly understand their choice as I have walked in their shoes. Now now, I did not want to take her life or end mine but the void left when she defected became a black hole that sucked everything in, joy, peace, love, laughter, and only left loneliness, tears, and delusions.

So, I gave myself up to solitude and love for these newfound bits of myself that were ugly and made my perspective of life change drastically. Yet, I am still delusional that;

One day you'll love me again

One day you'll love me for sure

One day you'll wake up feelin' how I've been feelin'

Baby, you'll knock at my door

One day you'll love me again

Hug me again 'til the end

One day you'll beg me to try

One day you'll realize I'm more than your lover

I'm more than your lover, I'm your friend

But, even if she doesn’t then I will always know I was capable of love, I just couldn’t handle it or maybe I never got the chance to prove that I could. The opposite of love was no longer hate, but rather death… as death follows when love walks out the door.