BANDS!

Life has a tendency to teach you things. The problem is we … I tend not to learn. I tell myself that I am a quick learner but clearly, I am not. I have failed this lesson so many times and if I could turn back time and slap myself for all the dumb things I have done then I would. I know I am not supposed to beat myself up as much but then again, how long will it take me to learn and finally understand that I need to move.

Having to remain cool and happy while you are going crazy chini ya maji is a hassle. You have to remain calm underneath the storm whilst laughing when deep down you want to scream. You want to let out a wail and maybe you will just hear yourself and finally stop being foolish.

I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to take the steps, but again I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid of opening those doors and walking through them. The repercussions will be painful but they will come with my peace of mind after I have gone through all the levels of crazy. Hopefully, I will survive since I will be scathed and beaten to the point I might not recognize who I am.

It’s almost the end of the year and this seems like the most plausible solution to this problem. I had so many plans. God I had so many plans but yet again life is here to prove that plans are shit and maybe you should just let life play itself out. I thought that in the coming year, I would be able to start a new and accomplish a few plans but that is not possible anymore.

If I do go back I will be very stupid. Stupid is a harsh word but that is what I would be. I would be knowing the truth, I would be going crazy with the mere thoughts of things that might be happening. That is something that I will not do. I will not watch myself become a fool again and embarrass myself for things that I clearly know the ending to.

I find us as humans as funny creatures. We continue to delve into situations that bring us pain in the hope of them turning into joy. I line read that maybe we should also consider how we play a part in our own pain and clearly I do not want to go through that pain again.

So, I will rip off the band-aid and writhe in the pain of my own wounds before they heal and become scars that I will accept as my own. I will have to accept my losses and hope that my choice will have some semblance of a win in the far future.

This growing up stuff and knowing what you want is hard since it comes with all these sacrifices. I just thought I could have both but I clearly can only bear having one; so I will take it. Ooh, the losses are a lot; but I will need them since I will not sit with myself being full of hate and worry and seem as though I am turning to be a controlling person just because I do not want to accept these truths that life has clearly set my way.

I hope to bear with this choice and be happy again. Hopefully, we will turn from some of our ways and choose ourselves with the new year…

With Love,

Thairu.

Comments

LOVE ME WRONG!

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