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BANDS!


Life has a tendency to teach you things. The problem is we … I tend not to learn. I tell myself that I am a quick learner but clearly, I am not. I have failed this lesson so many times and if I could turn back time and slap myself for all the dumb things I have done then I would. I know I am not supposed to beat myself up as much but then again, how long will it take me to learn and finally understand that I need to move.

Having to remain cool and happy while you are going crazy chini ya maji is a hassle. You have to remain calm underneath the storm whilst laughing when deep down you want to scream. You want to let out a wail and maybe you will just hear yourself and finally stop being foolish.

I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to take the steps, but again I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid of opening those doors and walking through them. The repercussions will be painful but they will come with my peace of mind after I have gone through all the levels of crazy. Hopefully, I will survive since I will be scathed and beaten to the point I might not recognize who I am.

It’s almost the end of the year and this seems like the most plausible solution to this problem. I had so many plans. God I had so many plans but yet again life is here to prove that plans are shit and maybe you should just let life play itself out. I thought that in the coming year, I would be able to start a new and accomplish a few plans but that is not possible anymore.

If I do go back I will be very stupid. Stupid is a harsh word but that is what I would be. I would be knowing the truth, I would be going crazy with the mere thoughts of things that might be happening. That is something that I will not do. I will not watch myself become a fool again and embarrass myself for things that I clearly know the ending to.

I find us as humans as funny creatures. We continue to delve into situations that bring us pain in the hope of them turning into joy. I line read that maybe we should also consider how we play a part in our own pain and clearly I do not want to go through that pain again.

So, I will rip off the band-aid and writhe in the pain of my own wounds before they heal and become scars that I will accept as my own. I will have to accept my losses and hope that my choice will have some semblance of a win in the far future.

This growing up stuff and knowing what you want is hard since it comes with all these sacrifices. I just thought I could have both but I clearly can only bear having one; so I will take it. Ooh, the losses are a lot; but I will need them since I will not sit with myself being full of hate and worry and seem as though I am turning to be a controlling person just because I do not want to accept these truths that life has clearly set my way.

I hope to bear with this choice and be happy again. Hopefully, we will turn from some of our ways and choose ourselves with the new year…

With Love,

 

Thairu. 

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