BANDS!

Life has a tendency to teach you things. The problem is we … I tend not to learn. I tell myself that I am a quick learner but clearly, I am not. I have failed this lesson so many times and if I could turn back time and slap myself for all the dumb things I have done then I would. I know I am not supposed to beat myself up as much but then again, how long will it take me to learn and finally understand that I need to move.

Having to remain cool and happy while you are going crazy chini ya maji is a hassle. You have to remain calm underneath the storm whilst laughing when deep down you want to scream. You want to let out a wail and maybe you will just hear yourself and finally stop being foolish.

I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to take the steps, but again I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid of opening those doors and walking through them. The repercussions will be painful but they will come with my peace of mind after I have gone through all the levels of crazy. Hopefully, I will survive since I will be scathed and beaten to the point I might not recognize who I am.

It’s almost the end of the year and this seems like the most plausible solution to this problem. I had so many plans. God I had so many plans but yet again life is here to prove that plans are shit and maybe you should just let life play itself out. I thought that in the coming year, I would be able to start a new and accomplish a few plans but that is not possible anymore.

If I do go back I will be very stupid. Stupid is a harsh word but that is what I would be. I would be knowing the truth, I would be going crazy with the mere thoughts of things that might be happening. That is something that I will not do. I will not watch myself become a fool again and embarrass myself for things that I clearly know the ending to.

I find us as humans as funny creatures. We continue to delve into situations that bring us pain in the hope of them turning into joy. I line read that maybe we should also consider how we play a part in our own pain and clearly I do not want to go through that pain again.

So, I will rip off the band-aid and writhe in the pain of my own wounds before they heal and become scars that I will accept as my own. I will have to accept my losses and hope that my choice will have some semblance of a win in the far future.

This growing up stuff and knowing what you want is hard since it comes with all these sacrifices. I just thought I could have both but I clearly can only bear having one; so I will take it. Ooh, the losses are a lot; but I will need them since I will not sit with myself being full of hate and worry and seem as though I am turning to be a controlling person just because I do not want to accept these truths that life has clearly set my way.

I hope to bear with this choice and be happy again. Hopefully, we will turn from some of our ways and choose ourselves with the new year…

With Love,

Thairu.

Comments

LET ME LOVE YOU NOW!

Babycakes, I think I finally met her. Well, she was always in my life but I never really thought of her in that light then I was walking in darkness and she became the light I ran to. I don’t know when I fell for her but I think I always held her to some higher regard compared to other ladies. She, my woman, (I get to say that my woman, my lady) is a ball of energy and I feel loved, accepted, and wanted by her. Everything comes easy with her, well, loving her is easy. Being loved by her feels easy. I am smiling as I write this since I can see her smile while looking at me with her hazel eyes… God her hazel eyes. I wonder if I ever felt seen before I met her. Was I actually seen before her? Maybe yes but I don’t think I care much about the ‘other’ eyes since being seen by these ones has been what I yearn for… Has been what I live for. I am genuinely glad whoever came before me fumbled because he didn’t know what a good thing he had lost. You're the one I love Every second th...

TO LOVE SOMEONE!

My Darling, I’ve thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about how I should start the year, but I guess it already started and I wasted time trying to figure out the train rather than the destination. I have spent time thinking about this and that, trying to understand humans and learning to love them and ignore some of them since I cannot keep up with their flaws and defensive lines, “That’s who I am” is what they say and clearly, I am not built to involve myself with men who can’t try to better themselves in any way. This would be my first blog of the year. Was I even supposed to say that? But yes, it is the first blog and I am super excited about the year. About all I will experience, about all I will write, and all I will see. It will be a beautiful year. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Him: Our kids will have your eyes! Her: (giggles) They will definitely have your eyes. Him: Then maybe they will have your cute nose...

ROBBED

Dear Reader, The year is 2003; My mum is an introvert and she was a new mum to this ball of energy and as discipline for not obeying her (nilikataa kuwasha jiko) she made me sit with my dad. Now my dad was a silent man, (was since we rant a lot when we meet), and I “feared” the man. I don’t have a valid reason why, but silent people give me the creeps. So, as I sat with this man of little to no words, he tuned in to Nation TV and this new segment started playing. “Smallville”, a little kid falls from the sky in a pod and a few months of binging this show and the kid is now an adult who flies and can shoot lasers from his eyes. Clark quickly became my favorite character and there was this babe, Lana! The year is 2004 and I was turning 5 that year. Now, I could already tell what was attractive and what wasn’t and Lana was the most beautiful on-screen lady I had known. She was dating Clark and there was this bald man called Lex and then she started dating that guy and I was flipp...

BLOSSOM GRAM

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