MESSAGES FROM HER/HIM!

 

Adulthood,

I was in class three and yes not grade three, shoot my poor is showing (sobs in sarcastic). Anyways, I was in class three, and for some reason, I fell in a puddle of mud on a Tuesday and that was the day we had the PHE class during the afternoon. Now being the clean child that I am I had to rush home and change from my P.E. Kit to my school uniform. 

That was the beginning of my end that day. I got to school and was caned for being late, caned for not having the right 'School Attire' for the day. And to top it all off I was caned in the afternoon for the same and I had to remain in school and sleep. I was angry and I wished I was an adult. Looking back maybe I should have been more glad about the sleep. But isn't it human to wish for that which we cannot have anymore...

Yes, I wished to become an adult. Their life seemed easier. They weren't wearing uniforms, and they weren't yelled at for failing in dictation. They just seemed to have a better life than I was and I wanted that. I detested being a child and yet I crave to be one. To be free of responsibility, to be free of want.

Look how you found me 

No one else sees this but you, but you 

'Cause once you told me 

If something's missing in me 

To go and find it in you 

I, then grew up. It was a lie. It was a facade. They were playing dress up and I didn't see it. They were failing at it since they weren't taught how to become adults so they never taught us. So like them, I too fell or should I say I am failing at it. 

I wish someone was yelling at me and dictating that those choices are wrong. But I am surrounded by people who console each other that that is life. No, we are failing at the most basic thing called living and no one is saving us from it. Hell, we even got TikTok videos preaching the gospel of no one is coming to save us and we find solace in that... How are we okay with such a scary thing? 

A piece of me ain't there 

'Cause nothing can compare 

To life when I was young, mm 

That girl/boy inside me stays 

If I'm not here for me 

She/he will be there

The funny thing about adulthood is you have to figure it out alone. God bless those who get to hold the hands of some of us but woe unto us who are alone and we have to guess our way through this narrow road. It's sad that we yearned to be grown-ups and be free but we were free yet blinded by the desire to grow up before the shackles of life cuffed us to pain and misery of wanting to be happy and positive and everything else we want to be rather than try to live and help each other grow and not be selfish, and get to care for each other as the 'guessing' adults told us then. Oh how we've failed miserably, or rather how I've failed... 

Look how you found me 

A broken heart enough for two 

For me and you

Just reminiscing of the best parts of my youth 

I wish I was her/him for good 

I wish I was a kid again. Maybe I'd cherish freedom some more. Maybe I'd love people and care for them genuinely as a child would. I think I understand why Christ says we should be like little children. He knew how hard that was as an adult and maybe he could only hope we would try that. But again is it that hard to be a child. I just have to have blind faith that everything will work out but the understanding that no one is coming to help us clean up our mess other than us becomes a hard pill to swallow. 

A piece of me ain't there 

'Cause nothing can compare 

To life when I was young, mm 

That girl/boy inside me stays 

If I'm not here for me 

She/he will be there

I wonder if me from class three would regret being an adult. I wonder if he would think the same if he saw me. I'm not too badly off but I'm not too good either. I happen to be learning a whole set of things and unlearning a lot and it's tiring. I just want rest, I just want to be held and hugged and told everything is okay or rather be woken up from this bad dream and told to go home and ensure I have my P.E Kit on Thursday when we have PHE again.  But the only thing I can get is 

Messages from her/him 

Messages from her/him

If I'm not here for me 

She/he will be 

One thing I'd like to do is continue protecting my inner child. I'm sure I'll make him proud one of these days. Maybe I'll have found all that I'm missing and achieve a thing or two if not all and tap myself on the back for the good battle fought for them. I'd like to bring him to the light and show him I hacked the adulthood thing. I would like to not fail this one, I have a feeling I'd lose myself if I did. 

Hopefully, those of us who have given up can try and search for messages from our younger selves and maybe they'd be hopeful again, maybe they'd find their purpose again, maybe they'd know who they are and lead a life of fulfillment... But a child can only hope...

Love, 

Thairu.