My Darling,
I’ve thought long and hard (that’s
what she said) about how I should start the year, but I guess it already
started and I wasted time trying to figure out the train rather than the destination.
I have spent time thinking about this and that, trying to understand humans and
learning to love them and ignore some of them since I cannot keep up with their
flaws and defensive lines, “That’s who I am” is what they say and clearly, I am
not built to involve myself with men who can’t try to better themselves in any way.
This would be my first blog of
the year. Was I even supposed to say that? But yes, it is the first blog and I
am super excited about the year. About all I will experience, about all I will
write, and all I will see. It will be a beautiful year.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Him:
Our kids will have your eyes!
Her:
(giggles) They will definitely have your eyes.
Him:
Then maybe they will have your cute nose…
Her:
(blushes)… Then what do you think we should name them…
Him:
I think our first one should be named…
We laugh at the memory of such
cheesy days. We need to remember that we actually meant everything we said then. Every
dream and castle was built under the shade of that ceiling while laying heads on
your pillows as you held each other or maybe stared into each other’s eyes. We truly
meant everything we said. Every plan that was made had already been established
in our hearts and minds then life being life, you parted with your
beloved. So now you become a shell of broken dreams.
Brand-new
apartment, we sat on the floor
A
blow-up mattress and some plastic forks
Our
clothes on the counter, keys in the door
You're
all that I wanted, never been so sure
We imagined life together,
business together, walks together, holding each other, kissing, and assuring
each other that life will always be okay while we have each other but something
happens doesn’t it? Then we spend our days chasing the ghost of what could have
been. You can almost grasp it but it somehow seems to phase through your
fingers and you are left shattered and you have to recollect the scattered pieces.
Chances
are
The
future will take us places that we can't imagine yet
And
chances are
Yours
is the face I could never forget
Do you think that life or the
author of our stories laughs when he sees us make all these plans and get to dream
with these characters that won’t get to stay? It feels like a big con. We spend
all this time and then the future says NO, DRAW HEARTBREAKS and since this isn’t
UNO you can’t reverse it, you pick your L’s and move on. Does the author cry
with us when we remember all the things we could have been with our beloved? Or
maybe the author smiles saying, you don’t know what I have in store for you
my love… But I don’t think I care about the store when I think that I have
gotten all I ever wanted. I want this which I have seen and experienced rather than that which I do not know.
But
suddenly nothing is the way that it was
Is
this what it feels like to love someone?
Don't
know what you had until it's gone
Is
this what it feels like to love someone?
Love
someone, love someone
I wish some of us knew what we had with our beloved before it
ended. Maybe we would have appreciated them more and loved them a little more than we did. Must we know the significance of something when it
is no longer with us? Must we be broken by our ignorance? Must we be pressed by
our loss and anguish of not managing what we loved well? Must our own hearts
continue yearning for what they will never get again? Must we pay the price for
our errors with tears rather than another chance to redeem ourselves for the
foolish mistakes we made?
Questions like these are often rhetorical and no amount of time will ever
make them make sense or give an answer to them. So, you are forced to smile and
hope you will be okay as you continue fighting for your sanity when you meet your
beloved a little bit happier than when they were yours. God, I hate that. I hate that they become happier than they
were with you. Begs the question, what are they doing that I didn’t do? Did I not
make her feel at home? Did I not … Did I not… Did I… All these lead to a slow
death and eventually our hearts are cold and they turn to bricks.
Empty
apartment, I'm sat on the floor
A
blow-up mattress and a plastic fork
Fighting
the flashbacks that creep through the door
I
stare at the ceiling and I try to ignore
So you spend your days ignoring the flashbacks from then and you fight
the desire to call and scream that you have changed. To maybe hear the words, “Yes,
another chance will be given…” but what if you mess up again? What if the
ghosts of your past ruin the new-given chance? What if you can’t keep up with
the ideas of who you are meant to be?
Chances
are
We're
gonna tell ourselves this is how it's supposed to be
And
chances are
This
isn't the last time I'll dance with your memory
So you give up on your agenda to try asking for another chance. Then
your mind calls you a coward for not fighting for your beloved but your heart
clearly knows that there is no chance for you to be redeemed from your errors.
Hence, you sink with the ship of what love could have been and drown in your
own despair and pain for things that didn’t seem necessary but they were. Oh, how I wish life had disclaimers for dumb mistakes so that we could never make them.
But then, would that be life?
And
suddenly nothing is the way that it was
Is
this what it feels like to love someone?
Don't
know what you had until it's gone
Is
this what it feels like to love someone?
Love
someone, love someone
Maybe
sweet, maybe strange
Maybe
pain's the price you pay
To
love someone, to love someone
And
suddenly nothing is the way that it was
Is
this what it feels like to love someone?
So what is loving someone? Is it the pain of loss when they leave? Is it
the dream of what you can become with them? Is it the sacrifices we make hoping
that they will love us? Is it the desire to become better for them? Is it the
fine-tuning of our characters so that we can accommodate them? Or is loving someone
simply loving them for who they are? Loving them while knowing that they can
mess up that they are flawed and they deserve chances to redeem themselves? Or
would doing that make them “use” us?
There are so many fears and lies surrounding love that we might have forgotten
how easy it is. We have taken the innocence of love and made it seem like a vicious thing to do. We try to fight by not saying I love you since we have been fed that
whoever says I love you first has lost their position and they will be “used” by
the other… It might be true but Jesus what happens to those of us who actually
love?
Well, maybe at some point we will find someone who loves and cares for
us. But till then continue loving my beloved and I send hugs and kisses for all
the things you might have gone through…
Love,
Thairu.
💜🤍♥️
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