BLOSSOM GRAM

In the future If by some miracle You find yourself in the position to fall in love again  Fall in love with me...  Paulo Coelho once said that; So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you...  So, I hope you would understand it when I am stuck cause I lost you. Everything was aligned, the first time you walked in, in your grey pants and that smile that made me fall for you. And how my heaven was my moments with you... When we held hands on our way home, when we shared earphones together and I still crave for such moments again. A cold evening and it's just us at the back of the vehicle, holding hands, listening to pink sweats and the world seeming to slow down for us to savour every moment of it. But all that's gone. So I walk listening to pink sweats but he is the reminder of everything I lost and I started disliking his music. But he is not at fault but maybe the fault is to be found within myself. Maybe if I chose to take the ste...

A line reads that the boring stuff is the stuff that we remember the most... Our days were mainly composed of watching shows together, eating and cuddling. It was the same boring routine but it meant a lot to me. Maybe it meant a lot to her too but I can't tell.  Sundays were us alone cooking, watching a show, arguing then making up and it was the same and I liked it. I hated the fights but they are natural if Love is involved.  I loved the food, some days salty, some days without salt but it was prepared with a lot of love and I can promise you the food was always good Boring was us, I mean, I wanted that boring lifestyle till death doth us part. Boring was beautiful. Boring mattered to me. Then it ended and boring remained in my head and heart.  There are days I am close to losing my mind wanting to experience all that again. Some guy said that you can never experience the same person twice even if it's the same person or something close to that and had me t...

I like placing things in boxes; helps me navigate through life and the cards it chooses to serve me with. So when I am anxious or overwhelmed I tend to think everything over, see if I can be able to solve everything on my own before I give leeway to the voices in my head.  They help. They always help. But there are moments when I am not able to do it alone or with the voices. So I write... Writing helps me calm down. Helps me view the situation from a different perspective. I tend to view it as the reader rather than the writer. But can I really critic my own art? Now I am overwhelmed. No I am anxious. Now what is the difference between the two? Why is this such an issue for me? I am better than this or maybe I am not and reality has finally caught up with me. I convince myself that I am emotionally strong but this proves that I am clearly not.  I hit rock bottom a while back and now I know rock bottom has a basement. Things are dark. I am lonely and screaming for ...

Looks like my true love is in love with someone else... I don't really know how to navigate that. I mean it's 4AM and I should be asleep but here I am missing her as I listen to Music under the coat of rain and for some reason it's dusty since I keep rubbing my eyes and I have a runny nose. Yeah it must be these dusty sheets, I'll have to get them cleaned.  No one prepares you for this part of life. Or maybe it's because not a lot of people get to experience it. But why can't we, the ones living in it, get to have a manual sent our way. Or maybe a snippet of the future so that I can know there's life tomorrow or is it today? It's been blurry, I don't know how to live anymore... Feels like I was cheated. Promised forever then forever ended so why did that English Literate Lie. Forever was not supposed to be that short. Or maybe that was my forever so I wonder why I deserve such short forevers. I'd like to live in the memory of it, memo...

If I died right now I don't think I'd be too happy with myself. I mean I've not loved and lived, or rather I've not lived and loved. I haven't seen how she ends up, whom she ends up with? Does she get her happy ending? Does she smile and laugh as she did when I was or is she happier?  If I died right now I'd never know. I'd hate myself for leaving too early. Maybe things would have worked out or maybe I would have found love with her. Fallen for how she laughs, how she smiles, how she puffs up her cheeks when she is mad, how her smile seems to brighten up my day. If I died right now I wouldn't know how that show ended. When they fell in love, when they fought and worked out their issues, when they got pregnant, when he proposed, when he did all he had sworn to do for her. I'd never know how she loved him, how she took care of him when he broke down, how she held his hand and reassured him all was well. If I died right now I would never k...

It is unexplainable. It feels like pain, it feels like sadness, it feels like anger but I want to cry and I want to be held or maybe I don't want either of those things. I want something though... I knew this day would come. I've talked to myself countless times about it, envisioned it and then finally its here and I hate it here.  I love her or do I love the idea of her? I don't think it matters anymore. Love or no love the pain or whatever this feeling is, remains.  I wonder if she loves him. I feel as though she does. I don't think she'd go that far if she didn't. But why does it matter to me? I mean it ended and she left so why do I still care?  I wonder if I am the one making her not take the next step? I want her to be happy, Hell I want the best for her and she clearly knows what's best for her so why can't I be happy for her? Why am I heartbroken because of it?  The physical me is smiling, seems okay and happy but I am dying inside or...