BOXED.

I like placing things in boxes; helps me navigate through life and the cards it chooses to serve me with. So when I am anxious or overwhelmed I tend to think everything over, see if I can be able to solve everything on my own before I give leeway to the voices in my head.

They help. They always help. But there are moments when I am not able to do it alone or with the voices. So I write... Writing helps me calm down. Helps me view the situation from a different perspective. I tend to view it as the reader rather than the writer. But can I really critic my own art?

Now I am overwhelmed. No I am anxious. Now what is the difference between the two? Why is this such an issue for me? I am better than this or maybe I am not and reality has finally caught up with me. I convince myself that I am emotionally strong but this proves that I am clearly not.

I hit rock bottom a while back and now I know rock bottom has a basement. Things are dark. I am lonely and screaming for help but it comes off as a smile so I wonder if I am really not okay. I am okay, I mean life is good, it just so happens that it's a cold day but so is my heart, if I focus enough I can feel it getting colder and I am afraid I'll start locking out most things.

I hate piling up things. It has been 'Water under the Bridge' for a while but it's getting flooded and the overflow is leaking onto other relationships. I am getting more vulnerable and sensitive. I am not me and this new phase is tiring.

So I am finding a new perspective. I am trying to view things from the fourth person since the third person is not getting things or maybe he is having a slow week and the pressure is catching up to him. Or maybe I need a day to rest and think but I've been doing that every night and I'm still here.

Let's all take a deep breath...

A person close to my heart told me that it's hard for me to ask for help since I am always there for me but then I wonder how will me placing myself out there benefit me? I happen to know of people who confided to some 'close confidants' and they heard their business with other people. I don't want that so I'd rather just sort it with my ego.

I don't think I'll get a solution now so I'll rest. When I do sort everything I'll be back. A stroll is a good idea but it's cold and thats a bad idea. Or maybe being cold is what I need. Let me see if I can freeze these water droplets about to leak...

Adios

Thairu

Comments

SEB'S

Dearly Beloved, It's been six years since I said I'd watch this piece, La La Land. I've been afraid, though, afraid that it might become my life. A line reads that whoever is afraid of suffering is already suffering from what they fear, and clearly, I have become it. Seb says that he is letting life hit him till it gets tired then he will hit back and that line made me laugh as life has been hitting me lately. A line reads that don't kick a man whose on the ground but life didn't get the memo since I've been receiving my daily share of kicks everyday. You know, life not being as I had envisioned it as a child. Be married at 25 and have cars and houses and horses and kids... and now I can barely follow through a movie as I need rest. Mia and Seb are what I had and what I craved for so I understood their story. How both of them sought after their dreams and worked towards them but then life chose different trajectories for them and life seemed good but they were...

LIGHTNING

Mon Ami My beautiful morning dew, I have been dreaming about you lately. You know those dreams where I never quite get to see your face, yet your braids dance against the wind, your laughter fills my ears, my hand rests on your waist, and my lips find yours… only for reality to wake me to a life without you. It’s hard. Some days, I wish your nights felt as empty as mine without me by your side. Do you yearn for me as I do you? Or has life’s turmoil swallowed you whole, leaving no space to think of me, of us, of what we could become? I, for one, dream. I wish. I manifest. I imagine our time together will be heavenly, that you’ll: Hold me until we die Weather together the storms of life Won't always be sunshine Baby, we're blends of imperfection Give me your heart and soul Love me like you've never loved before Beautiful morning dew I'll be your shoulder to cry on to I have been growing, emotionally, mostly. I am learning to blend childishness with...

STAY!

The first time we met, I never imagined all this would follow. You seemed almost oblivious, maybe even indifferent to my presence. I looked, I lingered, I smiled, and then I told myself to forget you. The second time was no different. You were on some errand, carrying that air of someone who hated every moment of it. I whispered a soft hey , and you glanced at me. My courage dissolved, and I walked away sheepishly. Still, I sat there, stealing glances, silently urging myself once again to forget. The third time, I entered a room only to find you there, quiet, still, radiant, seated across from me. And again, I wondered why fate always placed me in a position to watch you. Every fiber of me longed to sit beside you, to spill endless streams of random stories, to hear the sound of your laughter, even though I barely knew who you were, beyond the undeniable beauty I kept trying, and failing, to erase from my heart. Then came the heys , the shy smiles, the laughter that filled ...

BLOSSOM GRAM

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