BOXED.

I like placing things in boxes; helps me navigate through life and the cards it chooses to serve me with. So when I am anxious or overwhelmed I tend to think everything over, see if I can be able to solve everything on my own before I give leeway to the voices in my head.

They help. They always help. But there are moments when I am not able to do it alone or with the voices. So I write... Writing helps me calm down. Helps me view the situation from a different perspective. I tend to view it as the reader rather than the writer. But can I really critic my own art?

Now I am overwhelmed. No I am anxious. Now what is the difference between the two? Why is this such an issue for me? I am better than this or maybe I am not and reality has finally caught up with me. I convince myself that I am emotionally strong but this proves that I am clearly not.

I hit rock bottom a while back and now I know rock bottom has a basement. Things are dark. I am lonely and screaming for help but it comes off as a smile so I wonder if I am really not okay. I am okay, I mean life is good, it just so happens that it's a cold day but so is my heart, if I focus enough I can feel it getting colder and I am afraid I'll start locking out most things.

I hate piling up things. It has been 'Water under the Bridge' for a while but it's getting flooded and the overflow is leaking onto other relationships. I am getting more vulnerable and sensitive. I am not me and this new phase is tiring.

So I am finding a new perspective. I am trying to view things from the fourth person since the third person is not getting things or maybe he is having a slow week and the pressure is catching up to him. Or maybe I need a day to rest and think but I've been doing that every night and I'm still here.

Let's all take a deep breath...

A person close to my heart told me that it's hard for me to ask for help since I am always there for me but then I wonder how will me placing myself out there benefit me? I happen to know of people who confided to some 'close confidants' and they heard their business with other people. I don't want that so I'd rather just sort it with my ego.

I don't think I'll get a solution now so I'll rest. When I do sort everything I'll be back. A stroll is a good idea but it's cold and thats a bad idea. Or maybe being cold is what I need. Let me see if I can freeze these water droplets about to leak...

Adios

Thairu

Comments

SEB'S

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Dearest Reader, Yesternight I lay beside a woman I desired. She was the embodiment of all I wanted but wasn't what I needed. It took me too long to realize that, though. I may have been so fixated on the idea of being with her that I lost myself in my own whims of what I thought I wanted. Want and need always seem blurry to me. I always want things that make my heart race, and I chase after them, then realize that I just needed some peace of mind and slow music. But does that mean that I shouldn't chase after what I want? What if that want causes me more damage than I can handle and I finally break? Break because I have spent my years holding on to the hope that I will always be okay, as I walked on a tight leash and a single misstep would cause my death. I have all these fears of finding a good woman. Fears that have no basis since I do not know what a good woman is. Is a good woman someone who resembles my mother? Is a good woman someone whom I love that she loves me? Nah, I...

BLOSSOM GRAM

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