SOMBRE

It is unexplainable. It feels like pain, it feels like sadness, it feels like anger but I want to cry and I want to be held or maybe I don't want either of those things. I want something though...

I knew this day would come. I've talked to myself countless times about it, envisioned it and then finally its here and I hate it here.

I love her or do I love the idea of her? I don't think it matters anymore. Love or no love the pain or whatever this feeling is, remains.

I wonder if she loves him. I feel as though she does. I don't think she'd go that far if she didn't. But why does it matter to me? I mean it ended and she left so why do I still care?

I wonder if I am the one making her not take the next step? I want her to be happy, Hell I want the best for her and she clearly knows what's best for her so why can't I be happy for her? Why am I heartbroken because of it?

The physical me is smiling, seems okay and happy but I am dying inside or rather I am running helter skelter (feels like a composition) inside my head wondering who will make me stop and tell me there's life tomorrow. Tell me it's just another bitter pill to swallow and you'll be fine. But I think I am telling myself this but I still can't hear it and I don't understand what it means .

She seems happy. She seems content. Her life is normal. She wants him. She moved on from me. Thought I'd hold her hand till the end of time but I think that's not meant to be. So why did I get to enjoy that? Why did I enjoy the sun then live in the memory of it as I shiver in this cold dark place?

I hate this but I have felt it. I have lived it so maybe when I meet another I'll be able to understand their pain or rather relate in a miniscule way about what it is they are going through.

Anyways, I'll leave it here. I have a mask to wear. I have smiles to share and laughs to offer. Life must move on I think. It doesn't have the time to wait for me to continue wallowing in this feeling... So I move ....

Adios.

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LOVE ME WRONG!

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