SOMBRE

It is unexplainable. It feels like pain, it feels like sadness, it feels like anger but I want to cry and I want to be held or maybe I don't want either of those things. I want something though...

I knew this day would come. I've talked to myself countless times about it, envisioned it and then finally its here and I hate it here.

I love her or do I love the idea of her? I don't think it matters anymore. Love or no love the pain or whatever this feeling is, remains.

I wonder if she loves him. I feel as though she does. I don't think she'd go that far if she didn't. But why does it matter to me? I mean it ended and she left so why do I still care?

I wonder if I am the one making her not take the next step? I want her to be happy, Hell I want the best for her and she clearly knows what's best for her so why can't I be happy for her? Why am I heartbroken because of it?

The physical me is smiling, seems okay and happy but I am dying inside or rather I am running helter skelter (feels like a composition) inside my head wondering who will make me stop and tell me there's life tomorrow. Tell me it's just another bitter pill to swallow and you'll be fine. But I think I am telling myself this but I still can't hear it and I don't understand what it means .

She seems happy. She seems content. Her life is normal. She wants him. She moved on from me. Thought I'd hold her hand till the end of time but I think that's not meant to be. So why did I get to enjoy that? Why did I enjoy the sun then live in the memory of it as I shiver in this cold dark place?

I hate this but I have felt it. I have lived it so maybe when I meet another I'll be able to understand their pain or rather relate in a miniscule way about what it is they are going through.

Anyways, I'll leave it here. I have a mask to wear. I have smiles to share and laughs to offer. Life must move on I think. It doesn't have the time to wait for me to continue wallowing in this feeling... So I move ....

Adios.

Comments

LET ME LOVE YOU NOW!

Babycakes, I think I finally met her. Well, she was always in my life but I never really thought of her in that light then I was walking in darkness and she became the light I ran to. I don’t know when I fell for her but I think I always held her to some higher regard compared to other ladies. She, my woman, (I get to say that my woman, my lady) is a ball of energy and I feel loved, accepted, and wanted by her. Everything comes easy with her, well, loving her is easy. Being loved by her feels easy. I am smiling as I write this since I can see her smile while looking at me with her hazel eyes… God her hazel eyes. I wonder if I ever felt seen before I met her. Was I actually seen before her? Maybe yes but I don’t think I care much about the ‘other’ eyes since being seen by these ones has been what I yearn for… Has been what I live for. I am genuinely glad whoever came before me fumbled because he didn’t know what a good thing he had lost. You're the one I love Every second th...

TO LOVE SOMEONE!

My Darling, I’ve thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about how I should start the year, but I guess it already started and I wasted time trying to figure out the train rather than the destination. I have spent time thinking about this and that, trying to understand humans and learning to love them and ignore some of them since I cannot keep up with their flaws and defensive lines, “That’s who I am” is what they say and clearly, I am not built to involve myself with men who can’t try to better themselves in any way. This would be my first blog of the year. Was I even supposed to say that? But yes, it is the first blog and I am super excited about the year. About all I will experience, about all I will write, and all I will see. It will be a beautiful year. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Him: Our kids will have your eyes! Her: (giggles) They will definitely have your eyes. Him: Then maybe they will have your cute nose...

ROBBED

Dear Reader, The year is 2003; My mum is an introvert and she was a new mum to this ball of energy and as discipline for not obeying her (nilikataa kuwasha jiko) she made me sit with my dad. Now my dad was a silent man, (was since we rant a lot when we meet), and I “feared” the man. I don’t have a valid reason why, but silent people give me the creeps. So, as I sat with this man of little to no words, he tuned in to Nation TV and this new segment started playing. “Smallville”, a little kid falls from the sky in a pod and a few months of binging this show and the kid is now an adult who flies and can shoot lasers from his eyes. Clark quickly became my favorite character and there was this babe, Lana! The year is 2004 and I was turning 5 that year. Now, I could already tell what was attractive and what wasn’t and Lana was the most beautiful on-screen lady I had known. She was dating Clark and there was this bald man called Lex and then she started dating that guy and I was flipp...

BLOSSOM GRAM

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