LIKE I WOULD.

Dearly Beloved,

It has been a while since I wrote to you. I have been everywhere and nowhere at the same time but I still find myself at your shores once more. You are getting prettier as I still steal glances whenever I can. Why do I come back though? Maybe it’s because I have seen life with these other women, and they still cannot fill the void you left. I may be coming off as a simp but again who cares… it is my life and I want to spend it loving you.

Hey what's up, it's been a while

Talking 'bout it's not my style

Thought I'd see what's up

While I'm lighting up

It's cold-hearted, cold-hearted

I wonder what it is that I chase after. Is it the feel of how you loved me or is it the thrill of loving you? You always felt forbidden. Felt like something I should only admire and never touch. But I tasted heaven and gave myself up to the feel of it. I wonder how Adam and Eve felt when they ate that forbidden fruit? Did they hide as they didn’t want any creature to know the taste of it? I guess I’ll never know but all I know is I wanted to hide you and keep you to myself after I had my first taste.

Know it's late but I'm so wired

Saw your face and got inspired

Guess you let it go, now you're good to go

It's cold-hearted, cold-hearted

There’s something about firsts. They feel new and nothing ever feels like them. Like the first time we held hands, or the first time I ran my fingers on your skin, or the first time I saw your eyes glow as you yapped about something I didn’t understand, or was it the first time you smiled and my heart palpitated and my knees were weak, and my arms craved to hold you, and I was murmuring a prayer to God or to whoever was writing my story that I get to keep this moment and my brain decided to keep that moment as a core memory of what I imagined love to be like… Love was her smile and that made sense and it still does.

Oh, oh

It's probably gonna sound wrong

Promise it won't last long

Oh, oh

If we can never go back

Thought you'd like to know that

But as life would have it, I lost her. There are so many stories behind the whole thing and they can all be valid and justifiable but the end is that I lost heaven and like the devil I settled in the pits of hell as I reminisced the feel of heaven. Do you think the devil misses heaven? Well, I certainly do but I have been judged unworthy of her love and it annoys me to the core. There’s nothing much one can do with annoyance really, so you accept it and hate it and accept it and hate it and try to lead this life wondering why heaven feels so close and yet so far from your reach?

He won't touch you like I do

He won't love you like I would

He don't know your body

He don't do you right

He won't love you like I would

Love you like I would

As you lead life from these trenches and are kicked by all these lessons that life has to offer, you change as a man. You become a creature driven by selfishness and you accept yourself for what you have become. And my love, I have become that which I hated… A Selfish Man. I now chase after what I want and since I am used to the feel of being beaten up by life, do not think for a second that I will give up fighting for what I want… which is you!

It’s a bit sad for the guy who comes after me since he will have some big shoes to fill but again, he will always be chased by the ghost of my existence. Well, I do accept the fact that you will have loved him for who he is, and what he is but I will always loom over his love. Making him doubt how he loves and wonder if he will ever measure up to what I was. Now, for the reader, you might think that is evil but I would like us to go down some metaphorical rabbit hole. Do you remember that which you loved as a child, then someone took it and wanted to claim it as theirs, the rush of energy you had as you forgot common sense and chose strife as a way to reclaim it?… Now this is similar, she was mine, she is mine… at least to me, she is mine. She left and I have to live with that badge but shall I let another have her…

The answer is YES. I have no control over such things. But I do have control over what I do when she has another. I won’t turn to strife, but my presence will be felt. There’s an author who writes that in the process of domestication, we as humans form an image of what perfection is in order to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. Now, I only want to be accepted by her and since then I have done everything humanly possible to become perfect and I have; I am a testament to the fact that men change but this is all for her; to accommodate her and her alone… and I should just accept her newfound love? No fellas, I only have to do as I please till she is mine again.

Oh, oh

It's probably gonna sound wrong

Promise it won't last long

Oh, oh

If we can never go back

Thought you'd like to know that

Interesting how I can make this choice as a human. I mean my conscience would eat at me for this evil that I want to be but I have chosen selfishness. It is who I am, it is not a childish tantrum to claim what is mine is mine alone but a lifestyle that caters to me… I only have one shot at this life thing and I would prefer to spend it in her arms or seated in a corner taking coffee as I enjoy God’s embodiment of perfection.

Yours,

 

Thairu.