THE NIGHT FIRE!

Dearly Beloved,

Life is fickle, isn’t it? Some of us spend it being free and the world rejects us then some of us spend it pleasing others then regretting it on our deathbeds. A line read that “Death is Futile… Nothing remains. You simply think about your regrets" and I wondered what I would regret when such a day comes or rather what would you regret when your day comes?

I lost an acquaintance this week. Acquaintance since our relationship was a Hey-Hey type of relationship. I think the most we talked was, “Hauna change ya thou aje?” and He smiled and gave me a bunch of fifty-shilling notes. It was funny and I thought of making it rain (if you know what I mean). I would see him and not care much about his existence as our lives were different and we only talked when we needed a service, well mostly when I needed loose change.

When I got the news that he had ascended to nothingness I felt a deep loss. We didn’t have a close relationship but I guess somewhere at the back of my head I always felt happy that he was alive and was leading his life in ways that I didn’t care about. He was too young and I hate that life can be easily lost and we who remain get to lead our lives with the worry of when our time will come.

What regrets did he have? I wonder what he felt like as he took his last breath? Do you think he cared about where I’ll start getting my loose change when a client makes a purchase? Do you think he regretted not being able to smile at the countless clients he got at his station? He was too young and it sucks that he is gone but I guess there isn’t much one can do but just accept the loss.

What is this world that I face?

I would be nothing without you

Why was your life wasted in this battle?

The sea of red coats

The land stained with blood

Lost you are to the pits of the earth

 

I like humans. They try and they give up then try again.

I like seeing them in their elements. As I write this, they are running in the rain, they seem happy, some seem sad, some are still working under their umbrellas and some are catching up as they seek shelter on someone’s terrace. I think if the laws of trespassing worked in this country a lot of folks would be in jail… Nonetheless, humans really try to hang in there. But what annoys me about them is how much they hide their scars, how much they hide their struggles, how much they hide their pain.

They all seem happy. They smile. Honestly speaking some of their smiles give others hope and that astonishes me as to how much the existence of men and smiles can give others a reason to live. I was a firm believer that people should not seek happiness from others but from within themselves till I met people who had no reason whatsoever to live another day but chose to keep on living for the sake of their loved ones. That mere fact had me looking for tissues since it was dusty and I couldn’t stop crying.

My peace is found

My heart is still

I feel your presence

As the fire burns away the darkness

Being here is not a beautiful journey for some characters but they find beauty in the relations they have with others and that pushes them to choose life another day. It could be anything, a simple hey coupled with a smile or just your eyes lighting up when you see them. These simple acts could be their whole lifeline and you would never know. To you, it would just be your whole personality but to them, it could be their whole reason to live.

Shine my beacon

Shine through the despair

Shine through the darkest of nights

My beacon

But then what happens when our worlds are also dark? When we who shine brightest to these characters are also in the pits and fighting for our dear lives, should we just like them, smile through the pain so that they can overcome their battles or are we allowed a few moments of despair too? It now feels like a heavy cross to bear since I might never know whom I might be a beacon to. Would it be okay for me to smile when I am crumbling inside just because I want to shine and give hope to this character that I don’t know…

So, does this mean that I would be living a life of pleasing others, or would pleasing others be my own way of living a free life? I don’t know the difference between the two, the lines are blurry since the outcome is the same or maybe they are too different and this sense of loss and questioning most things has made me have tunnel vision and I cannot see the whole picture.

Life is fickle, or are we the fickle ones and life just happens to us but we break in different stages? I have no answer to this question. I will need to make friends with the new person who will fill in the void he has left at his station. I will need to smile more and shine through my despair so that I can give hope to a character that I don’t know of.

I’d like to ask the same of you. That you may smile more. Talk to your friends more. Hope they listen when you are struggling. Talk about your joy and your pain and hopefully, they listen and not try to give stories of how much they are also struggling hence belittling your battles or you doing the same. May we be kind to each other…

 

Love,

 

Thairu.