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SLOWLY!




Dearly Beloved,

Greetings, my beloved. It's been a while since we last spoke. Life has been quite a journey for me, and I find myself at your feet once again, ready to stand up and move forward. As you know, we all fall sometimes, but it's how we pick ourselves up that defines us.

I hope you've been doing well. The weather's been quite chilly, and the government has finally confirmed that the rains are indeed El Nino. Perhaps one day, I'll have tales to tell my children about this time in our lives.

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately, and I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. 

 

A line reads,

“You hate meeting new people because you have to talk to them. You have to break the ice. You are socially awkward. Of course, you are; You prefer to stay in your corner and dream your dreams and think your thoughts. You are most comfortable in silence. You lean on it and wonder if you are happy. Sometimes you do that for no reason at all. You wonder if you are happy and you wonder if you are processing happiness when you actually should pursue it.”

Down in Margate, had a sip of you

And it went straight to my head

I could have opened up, cried and almost been myself

But I took the piss instead

I get anxious around new people. They scare me. I put on a mask but I am clearly afraid. I have lots of people I want to meet but then that would involve me meeting them. I come off as an extrovert and the world thinks I am but I am not; I just get comfortable in my bubble and expand it to fit those near me and they perceive that I am extroverted but I would rather stay silent and listen to Olivia Dean and wonder why she has branches in her hair on her album cover.

I am awfully free. I let my intrusive thoughts win and I speak them out. To new people or old ones, it can be a weird environment for them so I like to keep to myself but I fail since my bubble is always accommodating new people and I just speak. A line reads that I exist because I think, I think therefore I am; makes me wonder if I exist to just rant about wild things that most people don’t agree with. Because I enjoy arguments that don’t end up in strife but rather in knowing how people think about different things in life.

The thoughts of men are often closeted as they do not want to be judged but I enjoy making them comfortable and getting them to share these hidden opinions that they keep to themselves. Through this, I understood to not judge men and accept them as they are. Actions do not define a man nor do his thoughts as there is more to a man than thoughts and actions. But we do not accept such thoughts as they involve seeing ourselves in everyone else, which can be a scary experience.

I get to live in a world where we process happiness and everyone wants to be ‘happy’ yet no one actually is. No one pursues happiness but we speak about it a lot; Happiness becomes that “what’s up Riri, What’s up Rocky” tiktok trend that everyone seems to like but clearly hates as most of us have not experienced such feelings before but we yearn for them. Being human is a sport and we clearly hate this exercise…

I find it hard

Hard to be soft

Stop staying I'm perfect

'Cause clearly, I'm not

Just need to catch

Catch my breath

A line reads;

“Because life cannot last forever, separation is something you can’t avoid. To those who leave and those who stay… if you get separated from someone, the only thing you can keep are your good memories.”

This takes me back to not wanting to meet new people. A guy once said that there are people who are temporary in your life and I hate that. Why should anyone be temporary? Why should I have a good memory with someone only for it to remain a memory? So, I’d rather not meet them and not have these memories. What they don’t tell you about memories is that they hurt as they are evidence of what can not be achieved again.

Separation from a loved person is among the worst experiences in this cycle we call life. Them being alive sucks more as you get to see them and you have to move on with your life as if they never caused you the most joy but since you are separated you are expected to not show how much you miss them. So, the memories keep you at night, crying while curled up and bound by your pillows, and the self-gaslighting words that you do not care anymore when it can clearly be seen that you care for them. But hey, the memories remain unlike them…

Go slowly, slowly

I know you're not supposed to know me

But I only see it when you show me

Slowly

I'll have to teach you how to hold me

So go on, hold me

Another line reads;

“Just as life can’t always be happy; similarly, there are times when it's hard to shake off loneliness and fear.”

I moved out. The biggest milestone this year apart from growing a mustache that I need to shave off. I was always told that living alone comes with a fair share of lonesomeness and I always said I was prepared for it but how do you even prepare for loneliness? It knocks at your door and you let it in and it holds you firmly and refuses to let go. Loneliness is a clingy lover and she walks with you. You might ignore her but she will not be forgotten so you carry her by your side and hope she leaves.

Fear vexes you and it has you assuring yourself till you know how to define fear as faith then it becomes a strength. How this works I don’t know but it works…

Go slowly, slowly

I know you're not supposed to know me

But I only see it when you show me

Slowly

I'll have to teach you how to hold me

So go on, hold me

So, that is who I think I am. I am a different character to most of you but rest assured that whoever I am in your heads; he does exist but only for you. Accepting that I can’t control who I am perceived to be is a hard pill to swallow but life moves on… I don’t like this expression at all.

 

Continue staying warm and maybe check up on your peers. Be there for them and maybe hug them and rub their backs. Side hugs are weird… cancel those ones.

Peace, love and get an umbrella; the rains are coming or they have come or maybe the government and the weather guys are guessing all this.

 

Love,

 

Thairu.

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