Dearly
Beloved,
Greetings, my beloved. It's been a while since we last spoke. Life has been quite a journey for me, and I find myself at your feet once again, ready to stand up and move forward. As you know, we all fall sometimes, but it's how we pick ourselves up that defines us.
I hope you've been doing well. The weather's been quite chilly, and the government has finally confirmed that the rains are indeed El Nino. Perhaps one day, I'll have tales to tell my children about this time in our lives.
I've been doing a lot of introspection lately, and I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you.
A
line reads,
“You
hate meeting new people because you have to talk to them. You have to
break the ice. You are socially awkward. Of course, you are; You prefer to stay
in your corner and dream your dreams and think your thoughts. You are most comfortable
in silence. You lean on it and wonder if you are happy. Sometimes you do that
for no reason at all. You wonder if you are happy and you wonder if you are processing
happiness when you actually should pursue it.”
Down in Margate, had a sip of you
And it went straight to my head
I could have opened up, cried and almost been myself
But I took the piss instead
I
get anxious around new people. They scare me. I put on a mask but I am clearly
afraid. I have lots of people I want to meet but then that would involve me
meeting them. I come off as an extrovert and the world thinks I am but I am not;
I just get comfortable in my bubble and expand it to fit those near me and they
perceive that I am extroverted but I would rather stay silent and listen to
Olivia Dean and wonder why she has branches in her hair on her album cover.
I
am awfully free. I let my intrusive thoughts win and I speak them out. To new
people or old ones, it can be a weird environment for them so I like to keep to
myself but I fail since my bubble is always accommodating new people and I just
speak. A line reads that I exist because I think, I think therefore I am; makes
me wonder if I exist to just rant about wild things that most people don’t agree
with. Because I enjoy arguments that don’t end up in strife but rather in knowing
how people think about different things in life.
The
thoughts of men are often closeted as they do not want to be judged but I enjoy
making them comfortable and getting them to share these hidden opinions that
they keep to themselves. Through this, I understood to not judge men and accept
them as they are. Actions do not define a man nor do his thoughts as there is
more to a man than thoughts and actions. But we do not accept such thoughts as
they involve seeing ourselves in everyone else, which can be a scary
experience.
I
get to live in a world where we process happiness and everyone wants to be ‘happy’
yet no one actually is. No one pursues happiness but we speak about it a lot; Happiness
becomes that “what’s up Riri, What’s up Rocky” tiktok trend that everyone seems
to like but clearly hates as most of us have not experienced such feelings
before but we yearn for them. Being human is a sport and we clearly hate this
exercise…
I find it hard
Hard to be soft
Stop staying I'm perfect
'Cause clearly, I'm not
Just need to catch
Catch my breath
A
line reads;
“Because
life cannot last forever, separation is something you can’t avoid. To those who
leave and those who stay… if you get separated from someone, the only thing you
can keep are your good memories.”
This
takes me back to not wanting to meet new people. A guy once said that there are
people who are temporary in your life and I hate that. Why should anyone be
temporary? Why should I have a good memory with someone only for it to remain a
memory? So, I’d rather not meet them and not have these memories. What they don’t
tell you about memories is that they hurt as they are evidence of what can
not be achieved again.
Separation
from a loved person is among the worst experiences in this cycle we call life. Them
being alive sucks more as you get to see them and you have to move on with your
life as if they never caused you the most joy but since you are separated you
are expected to not show how much you miss them. So, the memories keep you at
night, crying while curled up and bound by your pillows, and the self-gaslighting
words that you do not care anymore when it can clearly be seen that you care for
them. But hey, the memories remain unlike them…
Go slowly, slowly
I know you're not supposed to know me
But I only see it when you show me
Slowly
I'll have to teach you how to hold me
So go on, hold me
Another
line reads;
“Just
as life can’t always be happy; similarly, there are times when it's hard to
shake off loneliness and fear.”
I
moved out. The biggest milestone this year apart from growing a mustache that I need
to shave off. I was always told that living alone comes with a fair share of lonesomeness
and I always said I was prepared for it but how do you even prepare for
loneliness? It knocks at your door and you let it in and it holds you firmly
and refuses to let go. Loneliness is a clingy lover and she walks with you. You
might ignore her but she will not be forgotten so you carry her by your side
and hope she leaves.
Fear
vexes you and it has you assuring yourself till you know how to define fear as
faith then it becomes a strength. How this works I don’t know but it works…
Go slowly, slowly
I know you're not supposed to know me
But I only see it when you show me
Slowly
I'll have to teach you how to hold me
So go on, hold me
So,
that is who I think I am. I am a different character to most of you but rest
assured that whoever I am in your heads; he does exist but only for you.
Accepting that I can’t control who I am perceived to be is a hard pill to
swallow but life moves on… I don’t like this expression at all.
Continue
staying warm and maybe check up on your peers. Be there for them and maybe hug
them and rub their backs. Side hugs are weird… cancel those ones.
Peace,
love and get an umbrella; the rains are coming or they have come or maybe the
government and the weather guys are guessing all this.
Love,
Thairu.
Wow ...Soo creative
ReplyDeleteThanks 😊
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