I DRINK WINE

Dearly Beloved,

I have been unproductive after promising the world then I went silent. Well, I have the words to write but whenever I see that text cursor blinking my mind goes blank. It’s very frustrating since I have a lot to say but nothing to say at the same time. Maybe by the end of this piece, I will have found something, anything to say!

How can one become so bounded

By choices that somebody else makes?

How come we've both become a version

Of a person we don't even like?

I’ve been growing lately. Growing more accustomed to the voices in my head. I do wonder where they come from or maybe they are part of who I am. But they have been voicing some of the deep intricacies that I carry around. I try to bring them to life and I can say that I have been very daring lately. But as much as I have grown, I do not like some parts of who I have become. I am not me and yet I am so who is this other figure.

We're in love with the world

But the world just wants to bring us down

By putting ideas in our heads

That corrupt our hearts somehow

I love the world or rather I love the beings in this world I live in. They are funny. They are broken and leak but claim to be okay. At this point okay means drastically broken and hanging on a ledge. The world as I currently see it is a space poisoned by the different ideologies of men as they force their fickle understanding on them that cannot voice their own ideologies.

I read that everything we see is a perspective so everything in our world is subject to ‘my perspective’ hence it might not be the truth. So, why do we force this ‘corrupted truth’ on people? Why do we try to coerce people to follow us on a perspective that can easily change when our views on it are changed?

When I was a child

Every single thing could blow my mind

Soaking it all up for fun

But now I only soak up wine

I like how the world is colorful as a child. There is love and no hate. Well, I grow to hate that which is hated in the society I am brought up in but I love everything at the beginning. What brings about this sudden change? This indifference that doesn’t really matter?

I was very judgmental of them that chose to become addicted to alcohol or hard drugs as I never viewed life from their end till I did. Their reasons are justifiable. It was a hobby till it wasn’t.

It is a coping mechanism for how fast life seems to be moving yet it seems constant. There seems to not be a balance between what is and what should be for them. So, I think it's no longer fun to be living but easier to soak all this in with wine or whatever works best for you. (I am against all this but that is just my opinion, it doesn’t have to dictate how a man should lead his life, it is his if he understands who he is)

They say to play hard, you work hard

Find balance in the sacrifice

Yet I don't know anybody

Who's truly satisfied

True satisfaction for me is a full stomach, a book, some new revelation about why Adele sings so I listen to all her albums again, and coffee, mostly coffee. But I have lived in a world where sacrifice is needed to acquire all this. I was not born with a silver spoon but I cannot let this sob story define my ending so I will have to ‘sacrifice’ so that my kids cannot have ‘sacrifice’ as an option.

I know of people who play hard and work hard but have nothing to show for it. The realization that all this doesn’t matter gave me a new perspective on life. Life just is and always will be; just life; so, however, I achieve the outcome to balance, doesn’t matter when true satisfaction is the goal. I do not think that life cares if it is fair or not.

You better believe I'm trying (trying, trying)

To keep climbing (climbing, climbing)

But the higher we climb

Feels like we're both none the wiser (ahh)

I get to add a number to my age in a few hours and I am both stocked and afraid. Stocked since I can’t wait for the adventure and all the lessons to be learned, the new people I’ll meet, and the new experiences that await me. Afraid since as I grow I am not getting wiser. All I’ve been doing is unlearning. Unlearning all the monkeyshines I’ve picked up through the ages and it’s a lot. At this point, I even wonder what’s true and what isn’t. The world seems like a blank canvas and I can make of it as I please but I currently do not have the power to do this so I just flow with it.

Maybe this is wisdom. The wisdom of questioning the very essence of life. The wisdom of not being wiser in a society that expects it.

So I hope I learn to get over myself

Stop trying to be somebody else

So we can love each other for free

Everybody wants something

You just want me

How do I get over myself? It is who I have been from the minute I had some clue of who I am. I have lived this way for some decades and now I have to come to terms with the fact that it might be wrong?

Quan: I have known you like this for a long time but now you are different? How can you be different?

Wang: You underestimate how the smallest decisions can compound into significant differences over a lifetime.

Wang: Every tiny decision creates a new branch of infinite outcomes.

 

Hence, this begs the question; am I a product of the tiny decisions that I have made throughout time? So, if I chose to flip this table and scream and then run then there is a possibility that people would think that I am crazy. But I am not, it’s just a choice that I made and it doesn’t mean that I am that. If I hit a person who provoked me countlessly then that wouldn’t mean that I support violence. So, why have I never thought about listening to people’s stories about what led them to make certain decisions?

Why am I obsessing

About the things I can't control?

Why am I seeking approval

From people I don't even know?

Then does this mean that I do not need to prove to people that I am different if they cannot take the time to deem it so? Does that mean that I have no control over how men perceive things and I can just lead my life as I please without any thought of approval from men? Would this be freedom or rebellion? What is rebellion then? The act of resisting control… or rather is it the act of seeking freedom from the ideals of men?

In these crazy times I hope to find

Something I can cling on to

'Cause I need some substance in my life

Something real, something that feels true

I happen to cling to Yahweh. God feels true. In a world full of information and data that can prove you wrong at any moment I have chosen to remain true to the faith my parents introduced me to. Growing up God was just a being that I was told to pray to and believe that He will do as I ask but I grew and decided to actually seek Him. I did find Him and it has been one beautiful ride. I still have my weak moments but I do not think I have parked where I fell and that is a testament to the fact that He works in my life.

I suppose He is the only one I can ask of these questions that seem to be shaking the very quintessence of my reality. God works for me. Wine works for her. Alcohol works for him. This and that works for them in their separate journeys and if we were all told to justify why we think they work for us then we would win our debates. I think that’s the beauty of life, we can all defend what we think works for us…

 

I see no ending to this and still have something to say. Maybe I did say something or maybe I didn’t. But regardless of it all, I am adding a number and it’s about time I prepare my coffee and get some samosas. At this point, I have taken coffee with everything. I should try it with nduma and see if it will be good.

Anyways, peace, love and let’s try and make tiny decisions that make us live our best lives in a world where life is fickle and fragile. (Handle it with care they say, but handle it as you please, It’s yours after all…)

Love.

Thairu.