21

 

I wanna turn back time,

Tell you I’m wrong,

Don’t wanna waste my nights,

Singing sad songs,

I’ll spend a lifetime wishing I’d stayed

But it’s a little too late to tell you that, babe.

How could I let you fall through my hands?

I should have held you when I had the chance,

I’ll spend a lifetime wishing I’d stayed,

But it’s a little too late to tell you that, babe.

 

Alhabib Ghalia,

I have placed a lot of thought into my first piece this year but I just couldn’t shake the urge to write about how it’s been 1 year, 3 months, and 27 days since she left. I brought it upon myself or rather I could have handled things differently but I didn’t. Well, the right words are I did not know how to handle the situation differently and the only way I knew how to sort the issue out was not good. So, whom should I blame? Myself or me from 484 days ago.

Yellow: She was naïve

Grey: Who

Yellow: Me from a while back

Grey: Was she naïve though

Yellow: Yes, I was stupid at the time

Grey: Hmmm… Did you think you were stupid or naïve at the time when all this happened?

Yellow: No…

Grey: Then why should you judge yourself for not knowing any better?

 

My heart sank when she left and I think I beat myself up for so long because I should have said this and that but I didn’t. Well, I did not know how to do that and I don’t think I deserved the hurtful things I told myself. I think none of us deserve to feel ashamed because we did not know how to do or deal with something and it cost us a relationship. Someone said that silence is a response and I felt conflicted. What if I don’t know what to say, or I am at a loss for words yet you perceive my silence as an answer to my “incompetence”.

I read that a man without options is a slave to his circumstances but how many of us have such options to pick out from. We might be tagged as ignorant or naïve but the truth is some of us don’t know how to deal with things. We are the same but entirely different and this is the paradox of what we are as humans. Some of us are quick to change but some of us are incapable of it hence the only thing we can hope for is we get people who love us regardless of who we are.

I loved you in a way,

I wished someone,

Would love me…

It is not wrong when our loved ones choose not to come back to us after we mess up. I believe it is their way of choosing themselves yet we might try to convince ourselves that they hate us but I think that they don’t. Well, some of us deserve that hate since we caused them a lot of pain. But I think it’s okay if they never come back to us. We may change and try to win them back but regardless of our change; we did cause them pain and we need to give them enough time to heal.

I suppose that time gets to be our consequence. We get to experience some sort of hurt as a recompense for our sins.  But then again when do we get to be taken back? When do we get to show them how much we have changed? Or does it never matter that we do? Funny enough MacKampa did say;

'Cause time is a healer, but there's nothing to mend

We live and we learn with no regrets

The road that we follow with painted white lines

Split into crossroads, but I've chosen a side

But I beg to differ. We live and we learn but I do have my regrets. Learning gives me options and choices and I can’t help but think I should have dealt with something differently but I will never get that chance. I want to remain a slave to my circumstance. I want to remain naïve and never know there was a way I would have saved my heart from hurt. I want to know I tried and my efforts were substantial and there was no way to revert what had happened. I want to live without the thought of what if. I want… I want… but we evolve and acceptance leaves a bitter taste.

I can’t forget you,

Not because I have a strong memory,

But because I have a heart that never denies

Those who settled in it once.

Well, I suppose we get to accept this as our new reality. A life without her, without them;

And I fear that my place gets taken by some other one,

Very lucky and not too shy,

Who flirts with your eyes,

While I am the one who’s crazy about them.

 

 

 

Anyways, I wish you all a good year ahead of you. It's been 10 days since the year started and from me to you, “HAPPY NEW YEAR BELOVED”. I hope the year brings more growth and peace to our hearts and may we get to share the love with all around us.

I am excited about all the new pieces I am yet to know how or what to write. This is the first time I have written without a song, I was moved by Mahmoud’s writing and I ended up reading most of his poems. My personal best is "in the presence of absence". Beautiful read.

Thanks to all of you who have been with me through the three years I have been here. May God bless you and may you receive all the virtual love I am sending your way.

Love,

 

 

Thairu.