ABOUT TIME

 

                                                                       I feel Unloved,

Not in the sense that someone doesn’t love me,

But in the sense that I don’t feel it,

So, either I am the problem,

Or maybe there wasn’t any love, to begin with,

Maybe it was something I made up in my mind to make me feel okay,

At a time when I felt lost, lonely, and a little unloved,

Maybe I am starting to think that you didn’t fall in love with me,

You just stayed for the time being because it made you feel something,

And now the only feeling I feel,

Is nothing!

 

Bonjour Les Oiseaux,

It’s not long since I wrote my last letter. I rather enjoyed the last one and I am here seated listening to From Score to Film – About Time, and I am enveloped in the sweet melody and beautiful memories of the show. It was a beautiful film about love; for a second, I wanted what they had. Well, it was scripted but it was still beautiful. The Art of Love.

I wish I had the power, to re-do life. Get to live my best moments countless times. But I am stuck in this reality where I lose myself in my thoughts and doubt my existence as it is. So, in a world where I have created the premonition that love is easy why do I still feel unloved? How do I stop feeling unloved? I know that I am loved but knowing it and understanding it are two different things.

John: I feel unloved

Doe: I love you right now

John: It doesn’t feel like that

Doe: Feelings aren’t real

Doe: Feelings are our reaction to a perceived wound that’s never been healed

 

Hence, I wonder, should I agree with Doe and disregard feelings? Should I move around in the understanding that I am loved and not expect to feel it from them that I truly desire it from?

I believe that no one is obligated to love and choose us. A line from Tim is no amount of time in the world can make someone love you if they do not wish to and that felt like a jab to my side. So you mean that I can offer the world and still not get anything in return? That would shutter the mere foundations of my perception of what love is. But again, isn’t this a reality for most people? They offered themselves up to love but had drawn the short straw and they were thrown out of the ship and sank in pain and bitterness. A tragedy!

I currently do not find fault in this. It is not anyone's fault to be unloved by the people they want. It’s just sad that they do not love us but we cannot control how people feel about us. We should be ready to accept this as a testament to what life is, and accept that all this love that we freely give comes from within us hence, it not being accepted does not mean that it is wrong or bad. It might not be what ‘they’ wanted! And that is Okay!

This will suck for a while but it’s all good. But I guess Nizar Qabbani said it best,

“Don’t love deeply,

Till you make sure the other part loves with the same depth,

Because the depth of your love today,

Is the depth of your wound tomorrow.”

Seems like a simple rule to follow but we are all blessed with hearts that regardless of knowing that we are unwanted and trying to be stoic comes off as alien to who we are as hopeless romantics. But I would hope that we all get to meet our ‘Mary’ and marry on a rainy day and see our cake drenched in the rain and still not want to change anything about the day.

It’s a cold night and I need to sleep as I hope to get someone who will be uninterested in a life without me. Well without you too.

 

Love,

 

Thairu