RETROSPECT

 

I can't tell where your hair ends and mine begins

If I ain't have all these tattoos, I would think that it's your skin

If I move too quick, and pass you, I would think it's my reflection

Being this close isn't close enough

You can tell every time we touch, every time we, oh

 

Hey,

It’s cold tonight. I don’t how long Kehlani has been playing but it has not been long enough. Clay Walker once said, “live, laugh, love repeat” and I think that is harder than it sounds. To live is to suffer. Whoah that’s dark but hear me out; suffering is defined as experiencing or being subjected to (something bad or unpleasant). So, does knowing what you want but lack the power to have it equate to suffering? I think it does or maybe I am at a point in my life where I confuse suffering with whatever it is I am feeling. I owe it to myself and to everyone to define this and maybe when I finally understand it I shall edit this piece.

I think nothing breaks your heart than knowing that what you yearn for is something other people already have and there’s a chance you might never have it. Yes, maybe I am too young but again I am too old. Well, I have been here 23 years, that’s younger than most but also older than most. So, life has been tough for a while then it married suffering and birthed emotional suffering.

Suffering to most folks can be related to money, but I think money comes at some point then goes then comes then stays then it plays this game with you when you do not have the right tools to keep a stable relationship with it, but emotional suffering is different. It comes and it stays, and it stays then you get help and it becomes mature and maybe it makes or breaks you. There is a thin line to what it might become but hopefully, it gets to make us better.

You can be having a good day then just one thing tics you off and boom you are all over your head, on the verge of a breakdown, questioning if all the work you have put in place was all for nothing. Emotional suffering has you walking in retrospect (I just had to use this word) then it fades and you are back to being “happy” again or maybe it's winging it till the next time your child comes to visit. But again, I think I have gone through some challenging situations in life and all this might be child’s play in comparison to the rest but again if I start downplaying my emotions then I will fuel the suffering.  So, does acknowledgment help… Maybe or maybe not.

To laugh; I saw a lady laugh just because her husband was laughing and it was really scary but also reassuring to see her try to fan her husband’s belief that he is funny. He is not but she’ll never tell him that. Now, laughing is what I do whenever I am uncomfortable or maybe I am unable to handle the things going on around me. So, is my laugh genuine or not; maybe or maybe not but then who has the time to figure all this out when you can just laugh at your problems and then sort them out or ignore them long enough that you forget them. (This doesn’t work).

Wish I could build me a cute apartment

One-bedroom right where your heart is

Empty space feels broken-hearted

Across the bed feels way too far and

I wonder when they see just one, do they see us two?

Ooh, oh-whoa, whoa

 

To love; I enjoy love. I love writing. It gives me a sense of purpose. I still haven’t figured out my goal yet but I think this can also work. Writing… it’s different every time, I am moved by different circumstances to write and I love the moment I get to sit and my fingers just type as I vibe to whoever I have loved that day. Love is also understanding that not all you love will be yours. Maybe some of us already figured this out but for those of us like me who know this now then we can take all the time we need to finally move in acceptance. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we should stop loving; they do say that every dog has its day, so maybe we will get our moments to experience all that we love and I hope we won’t be emotionally absent!

Where do you end?

Where do I begin?

Start over again

Feels like we're meltin', meltin'

Where do you end?

Where do I begin?

Start over again

Feels like we're meltin', meltin'

So maybe the quote should read to live, to wing it, to write. I think we should all define our lives, define what we want and how that works for us. Define who we want to be and if we can’t measure up then we define that as the new level we have achieved. We should not let society or the media downgrade our efforts. It's beautiful to see people work on themselves, them working with accessible tools, then being men who change before they are too old to be dogs that cannot learn new tricks.

I just remembered my boy sensei, I’ll have to give him a call and hope he is well. Be safe and define your journey no matter how dim things might be. Also, listen to Melt and maybe cry or laugh or do both.

Love,

 

Thairu.