UNLOVE!

 

Dearly Beloved,

Learning to unlove you took me years,

Trying to forget your favorite coffee shop,

The food you loved,

The movies that made you cry,

And the way you made me feel,

Even if I only saw you from across the room.

It took me years!

And it took you what seemed like seconds,

Because you fell out of love with me,

While you were in … love with me,

The look you gave me slowly started to fade away,

You didn’t enjoy your favorite food,

You didn’t cry or laugh at movies,

And your phone gave you more dopamine than any of my kisses could ever,

Learning to unlove you took me years,

It took you seconds,

Because you were doing it all along,

And didn’t have the decency… to tell me!

 

The art of unloving someone. It’s funny how we don’t know what love is but we do know what love isn’t. Maybe Juliet knew, that’s why she chose to follow Romeo, or maybe Shakespeare knew, that’s why he wrote the play but regardless of whatever love is, we all know what it's not. So, it begs the question, how can we not know when we are loved but be sure that we aren’t?

Unloving is different though. It’s a whole new process where you want to stay in denial but life keeps throwing you all signs that you are no longer loved or wanted. I recently read “Thursday” by Biko and man did that book slap. There was this line that was so profound to me; It read;

“You can be the ripest and juiciest mango in the world but there will always be someone who hates mangoes”

“But dad what’s that story got to do with my situation?”

“Maybe this guy just doesn’t like your mango. Doesn’t mean your mango is a bad mango”

“Hmmm…, Maybe he likes pears. Or strawberries.”

“Should we give him strawberries”

So am I a mango or a pear or maybe a strawberry but the fact is they do not like the fruit anymore. It doesn’t make it bad, they just do not like it anymore, and accepting this is pretty hard. Most of us try dressing the fruit differently with the aim of rejuvenating the relationship but it always fails; we just do not know when to give up and accept that that boat has sailed. Accept that they no longer love us and they have moved on. Accept that no matter what you do it will not make a difference because life is not a movie directed by Susan Johnson; rather it's a Stephen Chbosky film and tears are the order of the day. 

Those of us who finally accept that their love is unrequited get to deal with a new goliath and sadly you do not have enough rocks to David this one out (see what I did there). UNLOVING. Navigating this ship is somewhat confusing. I suppose most of us get new identities as a way to not deal with the baggage that comes with this new phase. You become cold, toxically nonchalant, becoming numb to emotion with the pretense of wanting to become stoic… all these crumbles down when you see them again and you have to rebuild again, being in a loop of this toxic pattern till you finally accept that maybe unloving them is not an option. You are a person who easily loves and maybe trying to change that makes you realize that you aren't anadromous, so life does you a favor and kicks you back to your normal current. 

You accept this and funny enough time starts ticking for you again. The sun shines beautifully and your wounds heal but you will still feel the scars that remain; however, you don’t question if you are loveable or if you will ever be enough. The grass is actually greener on this other side but the sail will make you sick. Acceptance is a bitter pill but I think it always works out; it may take a long time but isn’t time a social construct to pressure us into doing things faster… so just take your time and heal.

 

Love, 

Thairu