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DROWNING



Dear Reader,

I have hit a wall again. Maybe I will find some enlightenment by writing or maybe I won’t but I just want to write. It’s been a long minute, I suppose it's been a month of unfinished pieces. Some about love, hurt, confusion, perspective, choices, decisions, will, pain, aargh its a lot, and the thoughts keep flooding in, ideas keep flowing and now I am drowning in them. I wish I’d get a hand to hold on to and maybe breathe a little, calm down a bit and write. This sounds so repetitive but so have been my weeks and life. I’ve been repeating the same cycle for a long time, wake up, sleep, wake up, have a long pause where I am in a trance and things just happen then I sleep again.

Maybe I laugh, make people laugh, look at people and wonder what kind of creatures they really are, then go back to “my cycle”. Wait did I mention jealousy. Jealousy is ugly; I hate it; it has me therapizing myself, wondering who this cold persona is; but maybe that “guy” lives; he just never manifests and I would like to strangle him and be free. This is me just spewing thoughts so that I can calm down. I suppose I am depressed, or maybe I have been stagnant for a while and the noise is finally getting to me; I need to move, shake things down a bit.

Perspective; How do we think? Do most of us actually think or do we just seem like we do but just follow what others do? Do we act on our thoughts; I know I’m not but maybe I am tooting my own horn; but then again, I don’t think anyone really cares what we are doing and if there are then it doesn’t really matter. I have recently learned to take people as they are; not expect anything of them but just appreciate their existence.

People are their own people; well we have a few odd-balls who care about others like yours truly, but a lot of us just care about ourselves. It’s a good thing really, caring for my own person before caring for others. The bible doth say that love others as you love yourself, so self should start, but who is our true self; I am yet to know who I truly am but don’t confuse this with mis-identity; I know who I am, I just can’t say I know my true self yet.

Do I pretend to be a good and caring person, Am I a good person as people say, or do I hide inside this cocoon because life gets easier when I am good. This question really bugs me but I think I will just continue being who I have been; I suppose if I am not this person then I will just stop, or maybe I will be in too deep that I will forget this question ever existed.

I want power though, the power to protect myself. The power to be me. I do feel misunderstood and people who think that they know me truly walk around with a concept that they have built of who I am. I have a rough idea of who I am and I want to protect that. I want power, power will ensure I can be who I am and not care about anyone’s opinion. It’s hard being ourselves and protecting what we love because it is expensive and we are too preoccupied with other problems that we just compromise on who we are and become new people that we hate and we die being this person.

Some of us find this power and become who we have always been and society calls them hypocrites and fake as this younger generation calls every minor inconvenience they face; but wouldn’t you be the same if you got power. I am proud and I love this and that; I have bad time management but this will get acceptable when I get power (it might be a pipe dream but wait and see, power will make it normal), I hate thinking between the lines when I know I can get things quickly but I don’t need power for this, I just to envelope myself with people like me, I am certain there are.

And I might rant on and on about things here; I don’t feel any better, but I feel heard. I have read this as I wrote and yes, I am not okay, but nothing takes care of this like some good sleep and coffee and buns or maybe cake; I am yet to decide. I have a friend getting married and I think I’ll need a new canvas to spew my ink about it.

If you get here, thanks for reading some 800+ words that don’t really have an ending.

Love,

Thairu

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