AGNOSTHESIA

 Mon Coeur,

Without you, I never knew I could really write,

Without you, I never knew I could enjoy Sunday afternoons,

Without you, I never knew I could enjoy the silence and holding hands,

Without you, I never knew I could love someone the way I do,

Without you, I never knew I could look forward to wanting to make someone smile and laugh as I did,

 

I don’t want to stop being the person I am with you,

You make me more!

But I don’t make you more,

Because if I did then you would want to be my girlfriend!

 

Dear Reader,

It has been a while since I came. (That’s what she said). I fell for a minute and started picking myself up and I have had some wins and they make me glad. I turned a year older and I was grateful but the changes that came with it were a lot and I had to adapt and nobody prepares us for whatever comes. So you have to choose yourself and continue guessing your way through life with that perfect character in your head who seems to know what to do and has their shit together; but you, the physical you, is still fumbling and wondering if you are doing things the right way.

I am afraid of life as it is. The expectations, the choices, the learning, the unlearning, and it all seems like a lot and I am not prepared for any of that. Maybe I should have prepared more a few years back but how would I have known about all these? There are moments of weakness where I regret but regret is something I promised myself not to do. Regret always has you pondering on the why and if things would be better if you did things differently but there are no take-backs in life and that sucks. I wish God would give me my construct so that I can tweak it as I see fit but I wonder if that would be life.

I want a million things but I also want a partner who I can walk through life with. Yes I know it’s not a must but it is what I want but I find myself having a lot of expectations for that person and I wonder if they would stay. I wonder if I can find such a person, a person who would choose me for who and what I am. Someone who would be game to repeat a show or re-read a book just because I woke up and can’t some lines from my head and I want to feel the same way I did, the first time I did it.

I want to provide a garden for them and I will marry when I can provide it but I wonder how long that will take. I want to break the cycle but I don’t have the hammer to do so. I don’t know how but I pressure myself into getting an answer and wanting the change but the solutions I get don’t work and the tools I have don’t slow down the cycle and it seems as though the cycle is accelerating. Aaargh, I wish life was a building bob game and I would just hit it once and things would sparkle around me.

There are moments I feel so overwhelmed by all this and I desire a hug but I cannot get one because I find them very intimate so I learned a new mantra where I place my hand on my chest and keep it there counting my bpm and meditating and the echoes fade away and I enjoy the peace and a sound mind and I feel grateful and I want to live in that space and create it for my loved ones. A space where their problems fade away and they marvel at the things around them and enjoy life even if it’s for a short time.

I have this need to do the most and over-exert myself and I wonder if that is good or maybe it's unhealthy and I wonder if there is someone who would do the same for me. But then again, going through life with the ifs and worries is really toxic and painful, so I just do it, not wanting it in return but also finding myself expecting it and that makes things … tough because I might lose meaning in them. I wish I came with a manual when I was born and I would be checking it to see if I really signed off on the user agreement bar. I need a reset and erase button.

This sounds like a somber piece but I enjoyed writing it. I found peace in letting myself write about how I felt.

Do have a happy Easter!