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A TRYING MAN


I did it again.

I know I didn't tell you the first time but still I thought I wouldn't do it again but I did. I am sitted here beating myself up. Wondering if I am true to myself or maybe true to God. 
I hate beating myself up but I feel as though I should be accountable for myself. 

Do you also beat yourself up? Do you feel as though you shouldn't forgive yourself? Or is this too uncomfortable so we should just laugh it up and ask bro uko poa? 

I have met different people over the two decades and truth be told I tend to forgive them real quick, but I find myself slacking off in the forgiveness department when I piss myself off. Does this make sense? I think it does... (Does it really)

I was wondering who I really am though. Am I wearing a mask and my true self is hiding in the dark in a corner with a hoddie, snivelling, wondering why we aren't strong enough? (Oee bro are you okay?) Or maybe this is my true self. A guy who tries. (A trying man) 

But does anyone care if we are trying. The minute we fail, we realize that we are alone, or maybe you are lucky and you have a good support system, but most of us get to be alone. And we battle these voices in our heads that say we are weak, or rather unrealible. Does any of you have them? 

We beat ourselves up and fall into a state of self hatred, and now we want to hurt ourselves because we have this knack to be punished for failing. Why do we do this? Or maybe we cry it out then tears dry up and now we want to forget but we don't. 

We fail again, we win some, then we get a handful of successes but the loses are innumerable. I read that in loses we also gain but I am certain not all of us view life this way. We fail and remain in the dirt, questioning why we try. Some fall into drinking, and become high functioning alcoholics who always get things done, and some, well a smile covers it, I think... 

Why are we so negative towards ourselves or maybe I am alone in this. Why can't I remember all my wins when I fail? This feels like a dark piece. Maybe I should leave it in draft and let it remain in the stash together with the rest of my closeted thoughts. (But for real bro, are you okay). 

I guess I am or maybe I am not. Not tonight at least. I am vibing to some Jervis Campbell, (Ps. If you want some Gospel music to chill and vibe with, I'd definitely recommend this guy). 

I love how people in movies motivate themselves, or how that blogger says you can do it, start running, do something. But if I am being honest, whenever I feel as though I have failed, I want to cry, I want to crawl into a corner and discuss with myself how much I have failed. I don't want to do anything, I just want to be alone and not deal with anything. But life goes on irregardless. There are days I wish there was a pause button because  I'd definitely pause this time and go through the manuscripts again. Why can't life just stop and let me breathe, or maybe it does and I don't get the signal, (take  a deep breathe everyone).

I read some quote that life does not have a remote, get up and change it yourself. Heeh, it pissed me off (whuueh ukweli is tough) ebu don't say it nikiwa down.

Do you check up on your people? Or maybe you don't like yours truly. Lakini, y'all can start, I think I will or I won't. I want a glass of milk and sleep. Anyways, if you have a solution to 'Stop beating ourselves up syndrome' you can drop it hapo kwa comments. 

Peace, love and check up on your people or buy them milk, whichever works best for you.


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