KEZIAH

 

It rained.

 

It hadn’t rained in a while and I thought it would be another hot day and I’d buy myself some ice cream ‘because that’s what people do’. But it rained. The weather was already dismal and I still hadn’t woken up. Well, I was still going to wear black, I mean that’s what people do, isn’t it? I had an unfamiliar feeling; I still do and truth be told I don’t know how to phrase it. Am I angry, sad, annoyed? Aaargh, I still can’t tell. So, I thought, “I will wear yellow today”. And hell, yellow was perfect. It brought color to this dull day. We refer to it as ‘shouting colors’, ama ‘mkambez’ but I didn’t care about all that. 

 

I was no longer inconspicuous. People noticed me and said hey, how are you doing? And it was hard to answer it. How was I? How am I? I am yet to know how to walk through this door that suddenly opened up in my life. I was/ am afraid of going to the other side and would rather just stay here. Well, I have experienced it from movies and anime and since I have a habit of being so involved in them, I’d cry with the protagonists but when it finally happened to yours truly, I didn’t know how I felt. Well, I have the word but I hate the actual feeling. 

 

So, I got there and there were new faces. People I didn’t know and I wondered where they were on those days, she was unwell. I watched everyone trying to understand why they had shades on but weren’t crying. “Oe mans, the Family has been called out”. The call back to reality shocked me and rose up. I walked towards her and I couldn’t bear the lump on my throat and I fought back the tears. I finally saw her, laying there, peacefully, and in a trice, no one else existed but me and her. I couldn’t hear a sound from the rest and breathing was getting a bit hard. She was laying there and I wondered where she was at that moment.

 

Maybe she was in Vinland, or Valhalla (My Vikings and Anime fans might understand) because of how strong she was. She was a warrior in her own right and I thought maybe she was dining with Odin and might even be promoted to the Valkyrie. Or maybe she was in heaven and was singing with the angels or maybe she was laughing and having a great time with Abraham telling him that there’s a meal called ‘mukimo’ and he wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what that meant and maybe there were potatoes in heaven and she’d give them an eternal feast. 

 

Then it pissed me off that she was laying there and here we were crying, others fainting, others screaming, and others like myself who stood there rooted to the red soil and had to be pushed to move. We walked to the grave as everyone sang this annoying song and it seemed as though I was the only one who didn’t know the words. The casket was now being lowered at an annoying pace. Why was everything annoying all of a sudden? I looked at the people around me and some cried, others had to be carried, others were laughing as they spoke to their mates, others were competing to pick up the spade and throw soil in and I still had my fistful of soil that I hadn’t thrown in.  

 

Before I knew it there was chaos. Everyone wanted to plant a flower, some were shouting, ‘Sisi ni warasta’ and I didn’t even know what that meant. The preacher was shouting and all I could make out was ‘ni Kanisa inafaa kuanza’. What? Were these guys serious? Why couldn’t they just leave and let us mourn our loss without all the crap about protocol? I thought she’d just rise and beat everyone up for disturbing her peace then go back to sleep. 

 

They later left and we remained there, holding our roses and looking at the headstone. Keziah was her name. I was shocked that shosho had such a peculiar name. The only Keziah I knew was one of Job’s daughters and she was regarded as one of the most beautiful women in the world, and now I knew a second one, Keziah the warrior.

 

Keziah was now resting. I would no longer get to eat her mukimo. I would no longer get to hear her complaining about how lazy people were. About how this generation was privileged. About how unfair the world was and how it wasn’t going to change for anyone. She would not see me in a yellow shirt. She would not see that my black shoes were red and complain about it. She would see me walk down the aisle. She would not notice that I shaved my small beard and say ‘kaanga hivyo kijana yangu’. She was asleep and it annoyed me.

 

Grief! I still don’t even know what it means. I’ll be laughing then I’ll see an old lady and I get sad. I bought mukimo and it tasted different. There are moments I want to scream, cry, hide in a corner but I just sit and none of those things happen. I am still fighting back the tears. I am afraid I might not stop. Some dude told me it gets easier and I wondered when that will happen. I feel helpless but I have One Republic in my ear singing some song. I’ll have to listen to it later. 

 

Peace, later guys.