CLOSETED DEMONS

Demons! What comes to mind when you hear that word? Demons, I think most of us have them but we don’t like talking about them. We think that just by ignoring them they’ll just leave. I am here to remind you, Bro – Sis, they don’t. I think they just get comfortable in our subconscious and when the time is right, they come knocking.  

I have been reading Bikozulu’s pieces – fathers and mothers – and I realized that most of our decisions are influenced by our childhood. Correct me if am wrong but those of us with the common cliché story of growing up poor tend to make decisions that ensure we will have a comfortable life (unajua the soft life), and I think it’s such decisions that make some of us thugs and yes some make it but still ratio ni 15:1… 

Well, I wouldn’t like to lose context and start talking about decisions… but demons. What did I go through as a kid and I have never healed from it? What kind of baggage do I carry around with a smile? What traumas keep me up at night? I suppose each of us has a story to tell but some of us are too egotistical to talk about them. I suppose we would not like to be vulnerable around ‘some people’ and the idea of keeping them to ourselves works ‘best’ for us. 

This might not be related to the issue at hand in any way but also in some way it may be. Yesterday, I set up shop as usual, and then as I cleaned, there was a toad. Now let it be known that toads (I have so many questions about amphibians and I suppose I’ll just ask God about them) freak me out. When I was younger, maybe eight or ten years, I used to kill chameleons and frogs for fun. I enjoyed the hunt, them leaping for their dear life as I followed them with a rock (I think I sound like some amphibian serial killer) and I did save some girls from these lowly creatures. I was what you call a local hero and anytime a mother would spot a frog I was the first name to be called. 

Now it happened that one day I killed a toad and then a certain woman approached me and said, “When you kill a frog or a toad their relatives come to get revenge”. And as any ‘hero’ would do I laughed it off, couldn’t believe such a tall tale. But then that night as I was fetching water, I saw a toad and I swear it looked at me and started hopping my way. I was rooted to the ground and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t save myself. 

I couldn’t make sense of the situation and when it was clear to me that the toad was still hoping my way, I let out a scream. I screamed my lungs out and my mother came running followed by some women and the minute they saw the ‘small toad’ as they called it, they laughed and threw sticks at it. Now that happened a long time ago but yesterday, I realized that I am still afraid of toads. It looked at me (or I thought it did) and when I threw a paper at it, it started puffing up. 

I was again rooted to the floor and I started shaking. It hid behind my chair and the same feeling I had when I was a kid came back. Well, long story cut short, a friend of mine came and pushed it outside. Then a lady kicked it (ironic much) and that shattered my ego. I did exclaim that I’d save her from chameleons – those slow buggers can’t make me run –. 

But hey I am a man; I should not fear toads. I’ll be a dad in a couple of years and I wouldn’t want them to see me as a wuss. I wouldn’t want them to see me standing there helpless, panicking and I can’t bring myself to stop the urge to scream. Yesterday was rather a low blow to my ego but it made me realize that the smallest of incidences in our childhood could have an impact on us when we grow up. 

There’s a YouTube series – Soft White Underbelly - that I got recommended to and I watched a couple of the episodes.  There are rapists, sex offenders, prostitutes, pimps, drug addicts, the list is long and he (Mark Laita – the host) would ask them how they grew up and I empathized with some of their stories. It all started when they were five or six and it evolved when they became teenagers and this metaphoric demon now has fangs and horns and their lives are filled with inescapable darkness.

I am certain that those of you reading this might have some closeted demons; things we tend not to talk about; fears we can’t shake off, some emotional baggage that we’d rather stay buried. And easier said than done but we need help, some of us have already found God and things are getting easier but some of us can’t stand the chance of being sober. They would rather get intoxicated than face these problems head-on. But sooner or later we all (or maybe not) will become parents and am certain we wouldn’t like the idea of said issues leaking to our kids.

The idea of being a parent (being responsible for someone that isn’t me) is rather scary. But before that I’d like to take care of all the dirt I have before they come. I’d like them to find a blank canvas and we’d get to fill it together, but it also means that I need to work on myself even more. Now the real is question is how will I approach this? 

Now now, leave a comment and subscribe to my blog. Support huyu youngblood. And remember peace, love, and a cold cup of tea (This took longer than I anticipated it would, I should invest in a thermos).