Uncertainty

 

TODAY, TODAY I MUST DO IT! I’ve been telling myself this for a week, for a month, for a year but finally today I decided I’d try. How to start my blog has been looping in my mind for a while now, and I continually overthink about writing it. I really don’t know what it should be about. Should I gas people up? Should I pick a different topic every day? Should I talk about all the things am passionate about because I really have many, Should I talk about poetry and how some words melt my heart and I wonder how the target audience may have felt? All these things and I still can’t be able to choose one.

But funny enough when am laying and I stare at the roof at wee hours of the night I tend to have millions of ideas. My sub-conscious has these fire words that I should use and I pick up a pen and a piece of paper to act as my canvas and get ready to create art but then I immediately go blank and the frustrations follow and I whisper “irriz wharriz” to try and console myself. I don’t know if other people have these instances of uncertainty or is it doubt?  

What is uncertainty really? Well according to my dictionary; uncertainty, doubt, dubiety, skepticism, suspicion, mistrust mean lack of sureness about someone or something. uncertainty may range from a falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result. So do I doubt myself or am I skeptic about the things I think I know. (I want to shout and scream but I also don’t want people to think the young lad over there has gone bonkers.)

I can’t really explain what it is I feel as I write this but sincerely I needed to finally write it. Maybe I’ll feel better when I do or maybe I’ll need an hour or two of sad music in order to feel great again. I don’t really understand the phenomenon that listening to sad music makes you feel better but weirdly enough it works. Am currently listening to Winnie Raeder and I can’t really relate to what she is singing about, but her voice pacifies me. 

I’ve been reading quite a number of blogs trying to find my space, trying to figure out where I’d ‘fit in’ but I can’t find any. Some blogs are emotional and they made me pick up a tissue and due to that 0.5% of toxic masculinity I counted that as being weak then I brushed it off with ‘naah man was a second of weakness that one’. Some are hella funny, some are inspirational and then there’s me. Where would I fit in I asked, should I be funny, or should I try and inspire my generation to go do what they’ve always wanted to but the reality that I procrastinate everything but I end up doing it made me rethink the motivational blog. Or maybe as I continue writing I will finally be able to motivate myself and maybe a couple of other guys.

I’ve often heard society say you can’t please everyone but I find myself trying to do the opposite. Trying not to have bad blood with anyone, trying not to rub shoulders with people, trying to be at peace with everyone but at times it’s hard. Yaaaani I can’t just talk about one thing. Yes, it was uncertainty or was it doubt; Pssht it’s the same thing. Am smiling again, making conversations with people, making them laugh – been told am funny – and I really can’t tell if people are being sarcastic or honest but I take it as a win.

Seeing that smile on people’s faces when they choose to smile in spite of going through some really hard stuff makes me admire people even more. Aaaargh I can’t try any longer; I’ll be writing whatever comes to mind because for some reason that makes me happy. Not being limited but being free to be who I’ve always been (I really wanted to write an eagle ama a lion, yes am a lion).

Well that’s me or maybe I’ll grow into more things if that makes sense at all. But above all else let’s try to love ourselves a little bit more every day.