BLOSSOM GRAM

Dearest Reader, Are there days you wake up and feel as though you have no love inside of you? It's not like you don't love others or yourself, but you have no love. You see the flaws in people, then flaws in yourself and your surroundings, but have no idea about how to change it, so you sit there in silence, internalizing everything happening around you, and in you, then you move on from it. Well, moving on from it is the idea I tend to have most of the time, but I try to think happy thoughts. But today I thought to myself, have I ever explored this side of me? This unloving side, not hateful but unloving. It was a holiday, but I'm unemployed, so every day is a holiday, but today was a holiday holiday and I just sat in my house, lay in my bed, made tea, stared out the window, and now it's evening. I was just thinking and having conversations with myself about life, really. Okay, I'll give you a fast boot about what's been happening. I woke up one day and...

Dearest Reader, Yesternight I lay beside a woman I desired. She was the embodiment of all I wanted but wasn't what I needed. It took me too long to realize that, though. I may have been so fixated on the idea of being with her that I lost myself in my own whims of what I thought I wanted.  Want and need always seem blurry to me. I always want things that make my heart race, and I chase after them, then realize that I just needed some peace of mind and slow music. But does that mean that I shouldn't chase after what I want? What if that want causes me more damage than I can handle and I finally break? Break because I have spent my years holding on to the hope that I will always be okay, as I walked on a tight leash and a single misstep would cause my death. I have all these fears of finding a good woman. Fears that have no basis since I do not know what a good woman is. Is a good woman someone who resembles my mother? Is a good woman someone whom I love that she loves me? Nah, I...

My Beloved, Falling in love with you wasn’t a choice, it was an instinct!   I have tried loving others but it isn’t the same. I have tried to not love you anymore but it comes so naturally, not forced just easy. I mean there are reasons why I shouldn’t love you, you not loving me being the most important one, but it doesn’t matter, well to me it doesn’t. We could live with mine since I have a lot of it… I dreamt about you nearly every night this week How many secrets can you keep? 'Cause there's this tune I found That makes me think of you somehow And I play it on repeat Until I fall asleep The oddest thing about all this is I would do it all over again if I had a chance. You know, loving you. Loving you made me funnier since I loved how you laughed, how small your eyes got, and how your nose scrunched when smiling at my cringe lines. How holding you felt, how holding your hand never got too hot to make it uncomfortable and how sleeping while holding hands never felt weird. So ...

Dearly Beloved, It's been six years since I said I'd watch this piece, La La Land. I've been afraid, though, afraid that it might become my life. A line reads that whoever is afraid of suffering is already suffering from what they fear, and clearly, I have become it.  Seb says that he is letting life hit him till it gets tired then he will hit back and that line made me laugh as life has been hitting me lately. A line reads that don't kick a man whose on the ground but life didn't get the memo since I've been receiving my daily share of kicks everyday. You know, life not being as I had envisioned it as a child. Be married at 25 and have cars and houses and horses and kids... and now I can barely follow through a movie as I need rest.  Mia and Seb are what I had and what I craved for so I understood their story. How both of them sought after their dreams and worked towards them but then life chose different trajectories for them and life seemed good but they were...