L'amour De Ma Vie!

Dearest Reader,

Yesternight I lay beside a woman I desired. She was the embodiment of all I wanted but wasn't what I needed. It took me too long to realize that, though. I may have been so fixated on the idea of being with her that I lost myself in my own whims of what I thought I wanted. 

Want and need always seem blurry to me. I always want things that make my heart race, and I chase after them, then realize that I just needed some peace of mind and slow music. But does that mean that I shouldn't chase after what I want? What if that want causes me more damage than I can handle and I finally break? Break because I have spent my years holding on to the hope that I will always be okay, as I walked on a tight leash and a single misstep would cause my death.

I have all these fears of finding a good woman. Fears that have no basis since I do not know what a good woman is. Is a good woman someone who resembles my mother? Is a good woman someone whom I love that she loves me? Nah, I don't think so. What if I want her to love me more than I love her? Aaaargh, I really don't know who she is, but I do know that my not knowing is slowly giving me anxiety. 

I wonder what it is that I really want a woman for. Do I need a companion or am I after the pleasures of copulation? If it is the latter, then wouldn't it be very futile since I could easily pay for it and get it without any attachments or demands?, But is that really it? Am I a man driven by lust seeking after vain things that have no significance in my life? 

A line read that if only the greatest philosophers got a hug, a kiss, and maybe some cuddles then they wouldn't have questioned life as they did. So I wonder, if I were to lie next to a woman who met my needs, would I really question who a good woman is, or would I lead a life believing that she is a good woman? This  'good' that I have a clear obsession with is something that I cannot tell apart from being a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, good and bad are subjective, but I don't know the difference between the two when it comes to what I want or think I need. 

It's late, and I need to find some sleep. I need sleep, and I also want it since I have to wake up and continue this annoying cycle of life that I am currently a part of. This was a good rant, and I still don't have answers. Well, maybe I'll find need and want in one and lead that happy life that I build castles on.

Love,

Thairu